Single Party

Aku berada di tengah-tengah kerumunan orang-orang ini lagi. Single Party, namanya. Pestanya orang-orang jomblo yang ingin mencari jodoh. Caroline yang memaksaku ikut. Aku sebenarnya tidak pernah tertarik pada pesta-pesta mencari jodoh semacam ini karena bagiku jodoh bukanlah perkara yang mudah yang bisa ditemukan dalam hingar bingar seperti ini.

Namun, malam ini berbeda. Sepasang mata itu berhasil membuatku terperangkap. Dia menarikku jauh ke kedalaman matanya. Dia menghampiriku. Aku tahu kemana semua ini akan mengarah. 

Saat aku sadar, kami sudah berciuman setengah telanjang di sebuah kamar hotel. Dia bahkan tidak menanyakan namaku. Yah, aku pikir setidaknya ini lebih baik. Mungkin inilah yang orang-orang sebut sebagai 'one-night-stand'. 

Keesokan paginya, aku tidak mendapatinya dimanapun di kamar hotel. Hanya sebuah memo kecil bertuliskan : 

Hai, namaku Peter. Telepon aku kapanpun kamu mau. 081234567XXX 

Aku meraih handphone-ku lalu menekan nomor tersebut. Sebuah suara yang masih terdengar asing bagiku menjawabnya. 

"Halo?" 

"Halo, Peter. Ini aku yang semalam bersamamu. Namaku Nathan." 

Aku tersenyum bahagia. Single Party ternyata tidak buruk juga. 

-ultrautogia- 

asdfghjkl !!!

hidupku oh hidupku.....
berantakan banget akhir-akhir ini, nggak ada perkembangan, nggak ada kemajuan..........
aku takut melangkah.......
aku nggak mau dibuang..........
aku nggak mau..............
aku nggak tau lagi harus gimana...............

asdfghjkl !!

aaaaaaaaa depresiiiiiiiii
beneran.......... aku capek sama hidupku............ bisa di-pause gak???
aku capek mikir dan capek menghadapi semuanya.........
aku tertekan ya tertekan.........
aku nggak maju-maju, malah semakin mundur.........
aku stuck :( :( :'( :'(
gimana ini seandainya waktu bisa diputar kembali.....kenapa waktu berjalan sangat dan terlalu cepat???


tolong aku, siapapun tolong aku !

Jangan buka fb mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak.

Sangat tidak disarankan membuka fb atau twitter atau apapun milik mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak. Bikin nggak sehat. Kalau hati kalian sungguh rapuh dan lemah, sebaiknya jangan pernah melakukan hal itu. Tapi, kalau kalian nggak percaya dan tetap ingin melakukannya, ya sudah, coba aja sendiri, dan rasakan sensasinya. Oke sudah itu saja. Bye!

sederhananya: hanya kenapa?

Ada yang bilang bahwa saat kita lahir di  dunia, kita menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya. Saat kita lahir di dunia, kita adalah keajaiban. 


Namun, aku sering bertanya... 

Kenapa aku lahir di dunia? 
Kenapa aku lahir di keluarga ini? 
Kenapa orangtuaku mereka? 
Kenapa aku anak pertama? 
Kenapa saudaraku dia? 

Pertanyaanku tak pernah terungkap. Pertanyaanku tetap tak terjawab. 

Aku juga sering berpikir... 

Jika aku adalah keajaiban, jika aku datang dengan menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya....... berarti ada sesuatu di hidupku... 

Ada banyak hal yang tidak aku mengerti terjadi dalam hidupku entah itu hal baik atau hal buruk. 

Kenapa semua ini harus terjadi padaku? Apa aku sekuat itu dalam menghadapi semuanya?


Lahir di dunia itu suatu misteri. Hidup itu misteri. 
Banyak pertanyaan dalam hidup yang tidak terjawab. 
Banyak hal dalam hidup yang tidak dimengerti. 
Tapi semua hal itu ada dan terjadi.
Semua hal itu datang dan pergi. 
Sampai akhirnya kita semua akan sampai pada kematian. 
Sama seperti kelahiran dan kehidupan....
Kematian juga adalah suatu misteri. 

Namun, sebelum kita semua mati, bukankah lebih baik kita berusaha mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan hidup kita? Mungkin tujuan hidup kita adalah mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu. 

Sampai nanti di ujung jalan, jika kita tidak juga menemukan jawaban yang tepat untuk semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan kita... paling tidak kita sudah pernah berusaha, paling tidak kita tahu apa tujuan hidup kita, paling tidak kita melakukan sesuatu yang berarti yang berguna untuk diri kita selama perjalanan hidup kita. 

-ultrautogia-

simple thought

Is this what we call Skyfall?

I took a deep breath.

A year ago, I found something strange on my body. At first, I thought it was just a common reaction towards some allergy. Not long, that strange thing has gone away.

A year after, I found the same something strange on my body. And it remains longer in my body than a year ago.

I am worried.

I googled about this strange thing..........

And tried to match the symptoms found on google with that strange thing. It matched.

Skyfall.

My sky is almost falling.

I never expect this kind of thing will happen to me.

I never think. I never want.

I am afraid to tell it to others.

I am afraid of telling this to my mom, dad, and sis. I am afraid of telling this to my friends.

I am afraid of seeing doctor just to make sure about the disease.

I am afraid of the reality that I may face.

Am I a coward?

















I don't know what to do.




I found rash around my breasts. I thought it was allergy.

But, the symptoms led me to breast cancer.




I don't know what to do.

-ultrautogia-

Simple Life, Simple Death

were we simply born to life?
will we simply die in death?

I keep questioning myself. I keep asking my life.

Am I a simply human being? Am I a simply human being who will go to die?

Why is everything so simple?
Why does everything seem so simple?

Is my life simple?
Is my death simple?

Do I have mean?
Do I have meaningful life for me and others?
Do I have meaningful death for me and others?

What do I live for?
Whom do I live for?

What do I die for?
Whom do I die for?

I may feel so much tired with my life, but I'm not afraid of life. I wanna live, yes, I wanna live.
I'm not afraid of death and I don't wanna die.

Simply because I still look for the meaning of life. Simply because I still look for the meaning of death.

I think, if I die, I can't find any meaning of life and death. But, If I live, I can find it.

But, life is not that simple. Death is also not that simple.

Life tricks on me. And Death smiles on the edge of the road.

Life and Death may play on me. They are well-coordinated frenemy.

I am just a simple human being walk on the road of Life and Death.

I am a simple one.

A simple one may not be worried about Life and Death.

But, What am I doing now? Why do I ask about Life and Death.

I will just simply walk and run on this road of Life and Death.

I simply came and will simply go.

Simple Life, Simple Death, and Simple Human Being.

What will Life and Death bring me to?

Simplicity?

What simplicity will bring me to?

Well, yeah, I am simple. My life is simple, and so will my death.

I should be simple. My life should be simple and so should be my death.

Something changing

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

The same.

I stared at his reflection in the mirror.

The same.

I took a deep breath. There’s fog in the air. Cold. I felt so cold.

It’s freeze.

He held my hand. There’s something soft on my skin. But, it’s cold. I still felt so cold.

It’s freeze.

I embraced him. He took me into his chest. I heard constant heartbeats.

But still, I felt cold.

We are still the same. We are not changing.

Somehow, deep down there, something changing between us.

“So, we have to end it all here?”, I whispered to him.

“Hm. I’m sorry. I will marry her tomorrow, you know, my family want me to marry her for the sake of…”

“I knew it”, I cut his words “I knew it all… And I can feel it too… you don’t love me anymore, right?”

He hesitated. He released me from his chest.

I stared him. Same face. Same expression. Same gestures. Same voice. Same person.

Different heart. Different heartbeats.

“I’m sorry… I can never lie to you…”

“It’s okay. Just marry her.”

He hugged me again and left me few minutes later.

He’s still the same person that I knew. I’m still the same person that he knew.

But, something changing in us. Our hearts have changed. He has no heart for me. I have no heart for him. He has no love left for me. I have no love left for him.
Somehow, he left me something that I keep in secret.
A baby inside me.
Something changing in me.  

It’s more precious than our love or him or even my life. I will keep the baby for myself.

-ultrautogia- 

I wanna laugh with you (part 5)

He called me. He really called me.

“Yoboseyo?”

I snapped back to the phone. “Ah ne, yoboseyo… Yangyo oppa! Of course, I still remember you!”

I tried to manage my words and breath.

“Dahaengida…” I heard he sighed.

“Eh? Waeyo?”

“Ah… aniya… For a few seconds I thought you forget me…”

“Jinjja aniya… I still remember you, I thought you’re the one who forget me…” -Oh no! What did I say? Why should I say that?

“Mianhae…” his voice sounded so slow and low.

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds there.

“Gwenchana oppa, I’m…just kidding…”

“Araseo… hehehe… so, you’re okay, right? I thought the radiation will kill you.” He giggled.

“What do you mean?”

“You said that you don’t have any phone because the radiation is not good for your health, but see? You’re now speaking to me by phone? Is the radiation your friend now?” He giggled again.

“I’m not lying. I really don’t have any mobile phone or smartphone or whatever it is. And this is just a portable home-phone, so I think this one doesn’t have such kind of radiation…”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm… I… think…” I lowered my voice.

He giggled again. He kept giggling.

“Ya !! Stop giggling! What’s so funny?”

He stop giggling and tried to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but this is so funny.”

“Are you crazy? Are you out of mind?”

“Maybe…” He giggled again.

I sighed. “Waeyo?”

“Aniyo. Ah, yesterday I came to hospital, I went to see you, but you’re not there. And I met a nurse, hmm… the nurse who liked to scold you, she gave me your number...”

“How do you know that this is my number?” I cut his words.

“Well, at first I don’t know that this is your number…”

“So, you just randomly called me???” I cut his words again.

“Aniya…aniya… I actually don’t know that this is your number, but I wish that this is really your number…”

“Why do you wish that this is really my number?”

“Ya! Why do you keep cutting my words?” He complained.

I giggled.

“Ya !” He yelled.

I kept giggling.

***

She kept giggling. I didn’t know why. But, she sounded very happy. Moreover, I like to hear her giggles. I wish I could see her face when she giggled like that.

“Oppa,” she said suddenly after finishing her giggles “Are you still there?”

“Hm. Wae?” I acted like I was annoyed.

“Are you angry? Ya! You giggled at me before and I giggled at you just now. I just wanna play fair. Do you get that?”

I held my laugh. How could she think of such things. So ridiculous. “Geurae?”

“Ya oppa!”

I laughed.

“Aish! Jinjja!” she yelled.

“Mian, but you’re so funny.”

“What’s so funny? I don’t understand.”

“You.”

“Ha?”

“You. You are so funny.” I laughed again.

“Michyeoso. Ya oppa! Stop it or I will not tell you my secret.”

It took a few seconds to stop my laugh. I just didn’t know why but I laughed a lot today. I must be really crazy.

“Ah… Mianhae… Mwo? What secret?” 

“Promise me you won’t laugh again!” She said forcefully.

“Ne… I promise.”

“I’m going to have a birthday next week.”

“Jinjja? Next week is your birthday?”

“Mmm... Oppa… I want a birthday gift… Will you give it to me? This birthday may be my last birthday…” 

I hesitated. She hesitated. No voices. No sounds.

I fulfilled her promise, I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh because I couldn't laugh. Instead, I felt so painful inside my heart. It seems like she will go far away and never come back.   It seems like I can't see her anymore. It seems like I can't laugh at her anymore. It seems like I can't hear her laugh anymore. It seems like I can't laugh with her anymore. 

-to be continued-

catatan pendek tentang lagu cinta

Apa yang tersisa dari kenangan? Tanyaku pada otak. Apa yang tersisa dari memori? Tanyaku pada otak. Apa yang tersisa dari ingatan? Tanyaku pada otak.
Perasaan. Jawab hati lirih. 
Aku tertegun. 
Kenangan akan dirimu seperti potongan-potongan gambar yang semu. Warnanya pudar dan kabur. Aku tidak tahu apakah aku sanggup menjaga agar kepingan kenangan itu tetap di otakku. Aku hanya tahu bahwa perasaan yang membekas di hati ini tidak akan pernah hilang. 
Saat kau datang pertama kali dalam hidupku, aku mendengar sebuah lagu. Kau menyebutnya lagu pertemuan. Bagiku, lagu itu adalah lagu cinta. 
Saat kau pergi dari hidupku, aku juga mendengar sebuah lagu. Kau menyebutnya lagu perpisahan. Bagiku, lagu itu tetaplah lagu cinta. 
Aku mungkin terlalu naif. Tapi, jika cinta adalah suatu pertemuan dan perpisahan, aku akan tulus menerimanya. Aku hanya percaya, terlalu percaya, bahwa suatu hari nanti kita akan bertemu lagi dan mungkin berpisah lagi. Namun, kita akan tetap saling mencintai. Sampai kapanpun. 

-ultrautogia-

for beauty and beast 

~dalam malam insomnia~

Someday We'll Be Together

Frozen night. I saw the stars at the sky. There is only one star shining very brightly there. I smiled at the star. I missed him.
I remember the first time I met him ten years ago on this park. He fell, umm, no, we fell for each other. But, we knew we couldn't be together.
He held my hand and said "Someday, we'll be together."
"Why not now?", I asked.
"Because we can't."
He smiled and kissed me. I sinked in his lips.
Suddenly, I saw a big white wings on his back. He started to fly.
I closed my mouth with my hands. I couldn't believe what I saw.
"Are you an angel?", I asked in trigger.
"No, I'm a star. The most shining star in your life. Good bye."
He flew and flew and flew in the middle of the night. I watched him shining so brightly in the darkness of the sky. I cried.
"Someday, we'll be together, my most shining star." I whispered to myself.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Cobalah Mengerti

Aku ingin memeluknya. 
"Cobalah mengerti.", kataku padanya. Dia menatapku dalam diam. 
Aku ingin menciumnya. 
"Cobalah mengerti.", kataku lagi padanya. Dia masih diam. Airmatanya menetes. 
Aku ingin selalu bersamanya. 
"Cobalah mengerti.", seruku padanya. Tangannya menyentuh tanganku. Dingin. 
Aku menyentuh wajahnya. Tetap dingin. 
"Aku bernapas untukmu. Kamu nggak perlu berpikir. Kamu nggak perlu memahami. Kamu cuma perlu menerimaku apa adanya. Apa itu sulit untukmu?", tanyaku dalam tangis. Berharap tangannya akan menjadi hangat dan aku dapat memeluknya dalam kehangatan.
Aku menangis. Dia menangis. Aku berteriak. Dia berteriak. 
"Ah! Itu dia di sana!!" seorang lelaki berbaju putih berlari ke arahku kemudian menangkapku. 
"Suster cepat! Bawa dia ke kamar isolasi sebelum dia lari lagi!!" Segerombolan wanita berbaju putih memegangi tubuhku kemudian menyeretku ke dalam kamar isolasi. 
"Lepaskan aku ! Aku hanya ingin bersamanya !" 
Cekrek! Pintu isolasi dikunci. 
"Buka !! BUKA !! Cepat buka pintunya !!" Aku berteriak sampai suaraku serak. 
"Pastikan tidak ada cermin di dalam ruang isolasi.", kata dokter itu. 
"Iya, dok." jawab seorang suster cepat-cepat. 
"Pasien itu terobsesi dan jatuh cinta dengan bayangannya sendiri."
Dokter dan suster-suster tersebut berjalan meninggalkan ruang isolasi.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Pesta Dansa

Suara musik terdengar dari dalam ruangan besar itu. Aku masih berdiri di depan pintunya yang menjulang tinggi. Aku merapikan tatanan rambut dan gaun merahku, juga memastikan sepatu high-heels-ku sudah terpasang dengan benar. Aku menghela napas. Belum sempat aku mendorong pintunya, pintu itu sudah terbuka sendiri. Dua orang laki-laki berbaju biru rapi tersenyum sambil menyilahkan aku masuk ke ruangan. Aku berjalan kikuk. Ini pertama kalinya aku datang ke pesta mewah. Pelayan berlalu lalang membawa minuman-minuman warna-warni yang aku sendiri tidak tahu apa namanya ataupun rasanya. Makanan-makanan mahal juga tertata rapi di meja hidangan. Aku mengedarkan pandanganku, mencarinya.
Sebenarnya aku belum terlalu mengenalnya, tapi ayah dan ibuku bilang dia adalah tunanganku. Kami sudah dijodohkan dari kecil, hanya itu yang aku tahu. Aku tidak pernah diberi tahu siapa dia atau keluarganya atau apapun tentangnya. Ayah dan ibu selalu merahasiakannya dariku. Aku baru bertemu dengannya sekali. Seminggu yang lalu saat dia memberiku undangan pesta ini. Saat itu ayah dan ibu langsung mengiyakan dan memaksaku untuk datang.
"Angela, kamu sudah datang." Laki-laki itu menyambutku sambil berlutut dan mencium tanganku. 
Aku semakin kikuk. 
"Mau berdansa denganku?", katanya kemudian. 
Aku mengangguk kaku. 
Kami berdansa sepanjang malam. Saat itu, aku hanya merasa sedikit lelah. Kakiku capek. Mungkin karena aku tidak terbiasa berdansa. Tapi, seharusnya kepalaku masih normal. 
"Kenapa semua orang terlihat melayang?", tanyaku padanya. 
"Memang semuanya melayang.", jawabnya. "Kita juga melayang." 
Aku melihat ke bawah. Kakiku melayang-layang di udara. "Ada apa ini?", tanyaku panik. 
"Tenang saja, ini hanya pesta dansa. Semuanya pasti akan berakhir.", jawabnya sambil tersenyum. Wajahnya tampak pucat dan tangannya terasa sangat dingin saat menggenggam tanganku. 
"Ayah dan ibumu sudah memberikanmu padaku. Sekarang kamu ada di duniaku. Dunia orang mati." 
Tubuhku kaku tak sanggup lagi berdansa. Pesta pun usai. Namun, aku tak dapat kembali lagi ke duniaku.   

-ultrautogia- 

#FF2in1

Film Pertama

"Adegan terakhir ya!!" teriak sang sutradara. Aku bersiap di lokasi syuting. Sebuah kamar dengan lampu redup. Tembok dan lantainya didominasi bercak warna merah yang diibaratkan darah yang berceceran akibat peristiwa pembunuhan. 
"Vicko, kamu udah siap?" tanya asisten sutradara padaku. 
"Iya." jawabku sambil mengangguk. 
"Oke! Take one! Scene seratus! Kamera rolling and action !" teriak sang sutradara. 
Seketika itu juga pandanganku nanar, aku mengambil sebuah pistol, dan menempelkannya di pelipisku. 
Tubuhku bergetar kencang. Airmataku menetes. Perlahan tapi pasti aku menarik pelatuk pistol. Suara tembakan terdengar menggema. Aku ambruk. Darah mengalir dari pelipisku. 
"Cut! OK! And it's wrapped!" teriak sutradara mengakhiri aktingku tadi. Semua orang di dalam ruangan bertepuk tangan. Syuting film pertamaku berakhir juga hari itu. 
Aku masih diam tak bergerak. 
"Ah sial!", gerutuku "Siapa yang menaruh peluru asli ke dalam pistol tadi?" 

-ultrautogia-

~dalam malam insomnia~

I Love You For A Thousand Years

"I love you for a thousand years." she said to me that night.
I stared her deeply.
"Me too. I love you for a thousand years." I answered her plainly.
She embraced me happily.
Stupid, I thought. How can you love for a thousand years? We only live for less than a hundred years.

Five hundred years later.  
I do not love her anymore, but she still loves me.
I become so numb. She still embraces me. She still loves me.
I wish I could die. No. I'm already dead.
How can I be trapped in the same coffin with her?
Ah, I remember ! It was that time ! When she said that she loved me for a thousand years and I said the same thing and she embraced me and suddenly a car hit us and we died instantly.
What should I do now?
I can't do anything. I have to wait. Wait for another five hundred years. Then, it all will be over.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Kaulah Yang Ada Di Hatiku

Aku terdiam. Tubuhku seperti melayang. Tidak. Aku tidak melayang. Aku hanya merebahkan tubuhku di atas kasur. Pikiranku yang melayang. Ke sana. Ke sini. Aku tidak tahu kemana ujungnya pikiranku ini. Namun, lagi dan lagi semua berakhir padanya.

Handphoneku berdering.

“Halo,” jawabku lesu.

“Aku udah di rumahmu nih, ayo berangkat.” Kata suara di seberang.

Aku mematikan handphone lalu bergegas menghampiri temanku. Kami menuju suatu tempat. Aku hanya diam di sepanjang perjalanan. Temanku juga diam.

“Erika!” Temanku yang lain langsung menyambutku saat aku sampai di tempat itu.

Aku tersenyum datar kemudian berjalan memasuki ruangan yang sudah penuh sesak dengan orang-orang.

“Kamu nggak perlu dateng sih sebenernya kalo kamu…” bisik temanku.

“Nggak apa-apa…” Aku masih tersenyum datar.

Aku berjalan mendekatinya. Dia terlihat tampan dalam setelan jas hitam dan kemeja putih.

Aku menggapai tangannya dan menyelipkan sebuah memo ke dalam telapak tangannya lalu berjalan menjauhinya.

“Baiklah, sekarang mari kita mulai upacara pemakaman saudara Andreas.”, kata Pak Pendeta sesaat kemudian.

Aku berjalan menjauhi ruangan upacara pemakaman. Pesan terakhirku sudah dalam genggamannya, itu sudah cukup, meski aku terlambat memberikannya.

Kaulah yang ada di hatiku.

-ultrautogia-
#FF2in1

Tangisan Terakhir

Dia menangis lagi.

Tangisan yang sangat kencang. Kepalaku sampai pusing dibuatnya.

“Jangan nangis dong sayang…cup cup cup... Ayo sini sama mama.” Wanita cantik itu menggendongnya dengan penuh kesabaran. Dia diam. Tidak lagi menangis. Aku menghela napas lega.

Dia menangis lagi.

“Kamu itu udah besar! Jangan cengeng!”, teriakku padanya. Aku muak mendengar dan melihat tangisannya.

“Jangan kasar! Dia tambah nangis itu!” Wanita itu datang lagi memeluknya. Dia diam. Aku menghela napas lega.

Dia menangis lagi.

“Kamu kenapa? Nangis lagi! Nangis terus!”, bentakku.

“Aku kangen mama.”, katanya singkat. Ya, wanita cantik itu meninggal 10 tahun lalu, tepatnya saat dia berusia 17 tahun. Tidak ada lagi yang akan menggendong atau memeluknya. Aku pun tidak tahu harus berbuat apa kalau dia menangis. 

Dia menangis lagi.

“Papa…”, katanya di sela-sela tangisnya. “Ini adalah tangisan terakhirku. Mulai hari ini papa nggak perlu kesal dengan tangisanku lagi. Papa juga nggak perlu khawatir atau bingung mencari cara gimana supaya aku nggak nangis lagi. Aku janji pa, ini terakhir kalinya aku menangis di depan papa.”

Kami berdua berjalan memasuki altar gereja. Suara piano yang memainkan lagu pernikahan terdengar menggema di dalam gereja. Di depan altar itu, aku melihat seorang laki-laki berdiri menunggu kami, laki-laki yang siap untuk melihat, mendengar, dan menenangkan tangisan anakku. 

Aku menangis.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Mantan Terindah

Aku sungguh merasa aneh. Tidak biasanya aku ingin terus dan terus bersamanya. Setiap kali aku memutuskan atau diputuskan oleh mantanku, maka mantanku hanya akan berakhir menjadi pajangan yang indah di kamarku. Tapi, kali ini tidak. Aku tidak ingin menjadikan dia mantanku ataupun pajanganku. Meski seringkali dia sudah meminta putus, aku selalu saja menolaknya.

Aku membelai rambutnya, menyentuh pipinya, mengecup bibirnya, mencium wangi tubuhnya, dan memeluk tubuhnya.

“Lepaskan aku! Tolong! Lepaskan aku! Tolong!!”, dia berteriak-teriak kencang.

“Sssttt!” Aku menaruh telunjuk di bibirku. “Diam dong sayang, nggak ada yang bisa denger teriakanmu di sini.”

Dia meronta. “Tolong !! Lepas !! Lepaskan aku !!”

“Diam!!!” Aku mengambil pistol dan menembak kepalanya.

Dia terdiam. Darah mengalir dari kepalanya. Aku menangis.

Aku mengangkat tubuhnya kemudian berjalan lemah ke lemari kaca yang ada di dalam kamarku. Aku memasukkan jasadnya ke dalam lemari yang penuh sesak dengan jasad-jasad mantanku yang lain.

Aku sedih. Airmataku terus menetes. Bagaimanapun juga dia adalah mantan terindahku. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Memeluk Tubuhmu Yang Dingin

Aku memeluk tubuhnya. Dingin.
"Maafkan aku, tapi kita benar-benar harus berpisah." 
Aku memeluk tubuhnya lebih erat. Dingin. 
"Lepaskan aku. Biarkan aku pergi. Aku tidak bisa lagi denganmu." 
Aku melepas pelukanku. Tubuhnya berbalik. Aku melihat punggungnya yang semakin menjauh di kegelapan. 
"Jangan pergi!!!", teriakku. 
Aku mengambil sebilah pisau belati dari dalam tasku, berlari mengejarnya, dan menusukkan pisau belati itu ke punggungnya. Dia terjatuh bersimbah darah. 

Aku memeluk tubuhnya. Dingin. 
Tidak apa-apa. Meskipun tubuh dan cintamu dingin, asalkan aku bisa memelukmu setiap hari itu cukup. 
Aku mengunci pintu kamar rahasia. Tubuhnya yang dingin itu hanya milikku seorang. 

-ultrautogia-
~dalam malam insomnia~

Seandainya Aku Dapat Mendua

Aku memegang pipiku yang kemerahan. Matanya merah dan tangannya masih saja melayang di udara.

“Dasar wanita murahan!”, umpatnya. “Beraninya kamu mengkhianati aku!!”

Dia mencekik leherku. Nafasku hampir terhenti. “Bu…nuh… sa…ja… a…ku…”

Dia melepaskan tangannya dari leherku. Lalu, terduduk lesu di ujung ruangan.

“Pergi! Pergi dari rumah ini dan jangan kembali lagi! Aku nggak mau melihat wajahmu atau wajah bayi yang ada dalam perutmu itu!!”

Aku tertatih-tatih beranjak dan mengemasi barangku. Airmataku menetes deras.

“Maafkan aku…”, ujarku lirih sebelum menutup pintu rumah itu lalu pergi meninggalkannya. 

Maafkan aku. Seandainya saja aku dapat mendua. Seandainya saja… Namun, aku tidak bisa... 

Hati ini hanya miliknya. Hanya miliknya. Aku berlari menghampiri ayah dari bayi ini. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Love of Umbrella

I heard the sound of rain outside the class. I sighed.

“I can’t go home…” I mumbled.

“Why?” he asked me.

“I don’t bring my umbrella…”

“I bring mine. You can use it.”

“Eh? What about you?”

“We can go home together, right?”  He smiled at me.

I heard the sound of thumping in my heart. I didn’t know what it was but it seemed like butterflies were in my stomach. 

I nodded shyly. “Hmm…”

I heard the sound of the rain around me.
Ten years had passed since that day, but I still held his blue umbrella. 

I walked toward him. “Hi, how are you?” I greeted him.

He kept silent.  

I bent my knees. “Thank you for being my umbrella these past ten years. I miss you.”

RIP
Victor Andreas
1 July 1985 - 17 March 2002

-ultrautogia- 

#FF2in1

Puzzle of Memory

Memories are like puzzles. Piece by piece.

You can remember or forget it. You can arrange or mess it.

You can complete or lost it. You can collect or throw it.

My puzzle is a memory of him. I decided to finish my puzzle.

But, I lost the last piece. I need to find it. No matter what happens.

I brought my puzzle today. I saw him right there. My last piece. I wanted to take it immediately.

I approached him and reached his hand.

“Congratulation on your marriage” I smiled widely.

I finally finished my puzzles of memories.

-ultrautogia-

I wish I could finish my puzzle of memory with him.

The title and idea were inspired by 
Vampire Boy (Koishite Akuma)-Japanese Dorama

I'm not afraid of death, but I'd like to be a vampire. A random thought.

This thing randomly appeared in my head. And I just wanna share it.

I recently realized that vampire actually is afraid of death. That's way they threw away their soul to evil and became immortal. They can't die.

I, for some reasons, am not afraid of death. But, somehow, I'd like to be a vampire, If I could.

It's not because I wanna be immortal. No. I just wanna live longer than what can I imagine.

Vampires can heal their own wound. They never get sick or ill or hurt.

They drink blood of anyone, whether their preys have some serious disease in their blood or not, they just don't get any effect on their body or life or blood.

They also are not afraid of being infected by some illness.

Is that kind of life convenient?

You can heal your own wound.
You don't feel painful or hurt.
You can't get sick or ill.
You can't die.

If I had a chance, I wanna heal my own disease, I wanna heal my own wound, I don't wanna feel in pain, I don't wanna feel hurt. I don't wanna get sick or ill. I wanna be healthy. I wanna live longer.

I may not need to be a vampire.

I just wanna have my healthy life. And I wanna live longer.

That's all.

Fix You

Aku berdiri memaku di depan kamarnya.

Tok. Tok. Tok.

“Jangan masuk!!”, teriaknya.

Aku mendengar isak tangisnya. Aku hanya ingin tahu ada apa. Aku ingin memeluknya. Aku ingin menghapus airmatanya. Aku ingin selalu menemaninya apapun yang terjadi.

Aku membuka pintu kamarnya. Aku melihatnya menangis sesenggukan di dalam selimut.

“Kamu kenapa? Ada masalah?”

“Udah dibilang jangan masuk ya jangan masuk!!”, teriaknya dari dalam selimut.

Aku memegang selimutnya.

“Jangan pegang-pegang!!”

“Sayang, kamu kenapa?”

Tangisnya semakin kencang. Aku tidak tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan. Aku hanya bisa menangis.

Sejenak kemudian dia membuka selimutnya lalu memelukku.

“Maafkan aku, ma. Maaf.” Dia terus menangis dalam pelukku. 

“Ada apa?”

Dia terus menangis dan menangis lalu dengan suara sangat lirih dia berbisik padaku “Aku hamil ma…”

Airmataku menetes. Badanku bergetar kencang. Aku memeluknya kencang. Kami menangis. Sangat lama. 

Aku tidak tahu harus berkata apa. Aku tidak tahu harus berbuat apa. Aku hanya ingin melindunginya.

Jika hal itu membuatnya tenang, jika hal itu membuatnya berhenti menangis, aku akan terus melindunginya. Meskipun mulai saat ini bebanku mungkin akan bertambah berat. Tapi, aku akan terus menemaninya. Apapun akan aku lakukan. Aku akan terus bersamanya. Sampai kapanpun. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Tunggulah Aku

Aku membuka album foto tua itu.

Dia tertawa. Cantik sekali. Dia tersenyum. Manis sekali.

Dia memakai gaun putih panjang. Sebuket bunga merah di tangannya. Hari yang paling bahagia untuknya. Seandainya dapat terulang lagi.

Till death do us part.

Sebuah catatan kecil tertera di ujung bawah foto tersebut. Aku menghela nafasku.

“Di mana kamu sekarang?”, gumamku. “Apa kamu masih ingat janji kita dulu?”

Airmataku mengalir.

“Kakek?”, panggil cucuku. “Ah, kakek lagi-lagi menangis. Kakek kangen sama nenek ya?”

Aku menutup album foto tersebut dan menghapus airmataku.

“Kakek hanya ingin segera bertemu nenek lagi.”

“Kakek ngomong apa sih! Ayo masuk kek! Di luar dingin.”

Aku menatap langit hitam. Jika kamu di atas sana, jika kamu masih ingat janji kita, tunggulah aku, aku akan segera ke tempat kamu berada. Di manapun itu, aku pasti menepati janji kita. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Bitter-Sweet Macchiato

It was raining outside.

As usual, I sat alone in this café. A familiar waitress came to me.

“A cup of hot macchiato”, she said as she put it on my table. 

“Thank you.”

I looked outside the window.

“Will he come?” My mind wandered around him. 

I met him a week ago. It was a rainy day. I came alone to this café. He was standing next to me. We ordered same coffee. Macchiato.

“Macchiato, please”, we said to the waitress at the same time. 

I turned my face at him, he smiled at me.

“Hot or cold?”, asked the waitress.

“Hot, please”, we answered the waitress at the same time. 

I turned my face at him again, he smiled at me again.

“Two hot macchiato. Please wait a moment.” 

His phone rang. He walked away, busy talking on the phone. I glanced at him in silence.

“Here is your hot macchiato.” The waitress handed me hot macchiato. 

He kept talking on the phone. I passed by him, took my umbrella, and left the café.  

I still looked outside the window, hoping he would come again.

“Hot macchiato. Please wait a moment.” I heard a voice of a waitress. 

I couldn’t believe what I saw. It’s him. Standing alone over there waiting for his macchiato.

His phone rang. He picked it up. I faintly heard what he said.

“Where are you?”, he hesitated. “Ok, I’m waiting for you at café.”

“Here is your hot macchiato”, said the waitress as he hung up his phone.

He paid the macchiato, walked outside, and stood in front of the café. 

I looked at him silently through the window.

One minute.

Once in a while he sipped his macchiato.

Three minutes.

I was still not moving. He was still not moving.

Five minutes. 

Suddenly, a man with red umbrella ran toward him.

He kissed that man on lips.

Then, they strolled along the sidewalk under that sweet red umbrella.

I smiled bitterly and sipped my macchiato.

“Ah, bitter-sweet.”, I said to myself.

-ultrautogia-

Do You Believe Me?

"Why do you lie?" her tears fell down.
"What? I never lie to you? Why are you like that?" I defended myself. 
"You lie! I'm still waiting for you! You promise me! Why do you lie?!!" she wailed out loud. 
My body was so stiff.
"I don't get it. I don't know what you mean..." I mumbled. 
"You! You said you'll only give your love to me! You said you'll only give your heart to me! But what? What did you do? You still go out with that damn bitch!" She punched my chest. 
I clenched my fist. 
"Fine!!" I yelled "If that's what you want, If that can make you believe me, I really will give you my love, I really will give you my heart!" 
I took a knife, ripped my chest, grabbed my bloody throbbing heart, and gave it to her. 
"Do you believe me now?"

-ultrautogia-

inspired by Peud and Gob of ATM Errak (Thailand Movie)

Lonely Road Lonely Highway

lonely road
your steps unheard
in silence, in crowd

lonely highway
your path in dismay
in no sounds, in no ray

sound of breath lingers around
sound of sigh bothers around
in heat, in cold

hold on tight in your emptiness
hang on tight in your vanity
all done, all gone

With no ends
With no sense 
in lonely road, in lonely highway

-ultrautogia-

Sempat Memiliki.

Aku menghela nafas panjang. Hari ini datang juga.

Aku tidak akan bisa terus-terusan menghindari realita. Ya, aku harus terus berjalan bahkan berlari. Hidupku pun begitu. 

Aku menghampirinya. Menghampiri cinta pertamaku yang ada di depan mata.

Dia menatapku dalam diam.

“Hai, apa kabar?”, sapaku sambil tersenyum.

“Hai, apa kabar juga?” Dia membalas senyumku. “Kamu sendirian?”

Aku mengangguk.

“Oh ya, perkenalkan…”, sambungnya “Ini istri dan anak-anakku.”

Aku tersenyum kecil.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Telepon Aku

Pukul 21.00

Telepon aku. Pesan singkat itu terpampang di layar handphoneku.

Tidak. Aku tidak akan meneleponmu. 

Pukul 21.30

Telepon aku sekarang. Lagi-lagi pesan singkat itu terpampang di layar handphone.

Tidak. Aku tidak bisa meneleponmu.

Pukul 22.00

Cepat. Telepon aku !! 

Tidak. Saat seperti ini seharusnya kamu yang meneleponku.

Pukul 22.30

Handphoneku berdering. Lelaki itu mengangkatnya. 

“Halo? Siapa ini?!”, bentak seseorang di seberang.

“Ya, halo. Maaf pak, apa anda kenal dengan pemilik handphone ini? Tadi dia meninggal kecelakaan. Sekarang sudah di ruang mayat rumah sakit…”

Tut. Tut. Tut.

Telepon terputus.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Do You Remember Me? (part 4)

It’s almost two months since the last time I met her. My hectic schedules kept forcing me like crazy. And my thought about her could kill me slowly. I have to meet her. No matter what. 

I grabbed my bike. I knew it’s already late at night. But I don’t dare to go outside at bright day. I pedaled it to the hospital.

It’s nearly 12AM.

I must be a stupid person. Who will come to see someone at hospital in this midnight? Only me.

But, somehow I believed I could meet her again. She might be sitting on the bench in the lobby or sleeping soundly in her room.  

I parked my bike on the parking lot. It’s quite silent.

The corridor was so silent. I only saw few people or nurses or doctors passed by.

I walked to room 289 and peeked at the small transparent window on the door.
It’s empty. No one there. 

“Where is she?”, I mumbled. I dragged my legs to the lobby. She might be there.

The sounds of my steps echoed all the way to the lobby. I stopped in front of the vending machine and looked around the lobby.
No one there. 

I sighed and sat on the bench in the middle of the lobby.

I knew it. I was really stupid. Just because I needed to meet her, I went straight to the hospital. She probably had gone home. Who would really mind to stay at the hospital for too long? 

“Excuse me.” Someone stood in front of me.

“Ne?” Ah! It was the nurse from the last time.

“Are you visiting someone?”, she asked me. 

“Animnida… Ehm… Actually… Yes…” 

“I’m sorry, but it’s too late at night. You can’t meet patient now.”

“Gwenchana, I’m going home anyway.” I stood up.

She went away to the front desk.

I walked to the front desk. “Excuse me… But can you tell me where patient Room 289 is. Yoo Ah Reum. Where is she?”

 “Ohh… Ahreum-ssi, she went home two months ago.” 

“Ah… I see. Kamsahamnida.” I turned my body.

“Wait a moment…”, called the nurse.

I looked at the nurse.

“Excuse me, but… are you Yang… Yangyo-ssi?”, she said as she read something on a paper.

“Yes, why?”

“Actually, Ahreum-ssi gave me this before she went home.” She handed me a small note.

I opened that paper. Numbers.

***

I opened my eyes.It’s already morning.

I took a deep breath. I’m still alive. 

I opened the window, felt the morning breeze for a while, and sat in front of the mirror.

I’m all alone again. All day and night. That’s my life will be till the day I die.

I smiled at my own reflection.

I somehow miss his smile. I’m afraid I’ll no longer see his smile.

It’s almost two months since the last time I saw him. He never visited me anymore. He might forget me.

Who am I actually? I am just nobody. A stranger. A random girl.

My phone rang. I stayed still in my seat. I heard my housemaid picked the phone. 

Five seconds… Fifteen seconds… Thirty seconds…

It must be mom. She likes to call me every hour just to check whether I am faint and need to be dragged to the hospital or not.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Excuse me, Ahreum-ssi. A call for you.”

I opened the door. “Thank you.” My housemaid handed me the portable home-phone.

“Ne, umma? I’m awake and I’m still alive. Waeyo?” I said recklessly as I picked up the phone.

“Yoboseyo? Is this Ah Reum-ssi?” A stranger’s voice.

“Ah… yes... Who is this?” My heart skipped a beat.

“Do you remember me? It’s me. Yangyo… Yangyo oppa…”

My heart raced so fast. I can barely breathe. 

-to be continued- 

Last Forever

“Will you love me forever?” her voice triggered.

I hesitated.

“Will you love me forever?” she repeated.

I sighed.

“Will you love me forever?” she kept asking me.

I opened my mouth slowly. “But… But nothing lasts forever…”

“Our love will !” she insisted. “Our love will last forever !”

“But, we don’t last forever…”, I said sadly.

“We will !” She grabbed and bit my neck. I closed my eyes. I felt so painful.

I opened my eyes. Something changed in me.

“We will last forever.” She smiled at me, showing her beautiful pale face and bloody fangs.

-ultrautogia-

to someone who asked whether we would last forever or not