Seandainya Aku Dapat Mendua

Aku memegang pipiku yang kemerahan. Matanya merah dan tangannya masih saja melayang di udara.

“Dasar wanita murahan!”, umpatnya. “Beraninya kamu mengkhianati aku!!”

Dia mencekik leherku. Nafasku hampir terhenti. “Bu…nuh… sa…ja… a…ku…”

Dia melepaskan tangannya dari leherku. Lalu, terduduk lesu di ujung ruangan.

“Pergi! Pergi dari rumah ini dan jangan kembali lagi! Aku nggak mau melihat wajahmu atau wajah bayi yang ada dalam perutmu itu!!”

Aku tertatih-tatih beranjak dan mengemasi barangku. Airmataku menetes deras.

“Maafkan aku…”, ujarku lirih sebelum menutup pintu rumah itu lalu pergi meninggalkannya. 

Maafkan aku. Seandainya saja aku dapat mendua. Seandainya saja… Namun, aku tidak bisa... 

Hati ini hanya miliknya. Hanya miliknya. Aku berlari menghampiri ayah dari bayi ini. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Love of Umbrella

I heard the sound of rain outside the class. I sighed.

“I can’t go home…” I mumbled.

“Why?” he asked me.

“I don’t bring my umbrella…”

“I bring mine. You can use it.”

“Eh? What about you?”

“We can go home together, right?”  He smiled at me.

I heard the sound of thumping in my heart. I didn’t know what it was but it seemed like butterflies were in my stomach. 

I nodded shyly. “Hmm…”

I heard the sound of the rain around me.
Ten years had passed since that day, but I still held his blue umbrella. 

I walked toward him. “Hi, how are you?” I greeted him.

He kept silent.  

I bent my knees. “Thank you for being my umbrella these past ten years. I miss you.”

RIP
Victor Andreas
1 July 1985 - 17 March 2002

-ultrautogia- 

#FF2in1

Puzzle of Memory

Memories are like puzzles. Piece by piece.

You can remember or forget it. You can arrange or mess it.

You can complete or lost it. You can collect or throw it.

My puzzle is a memory of him. I decided to finish my puzzle.

But, I lost the last piece. I need to find it. No matter what happens.

I brought my puzzle today. I saw him right there. My last piece. I wanted to take it immediately.

I approached him and reached his hand.

“Congratulation on your marriage” I smiled widely.

I finally finished my puzzles of memories.

-ultrautogia-

I wish I could finish my puzzle of memory with him.

The title and idea were inspired by 
Vampire Boy (Koishite Akuma)-Japanese Dorama

I'm not afraid of death, but I'd like to be a vampire. A random thought.

This thing randomly appeared in my head. And I just wanna share it.

I recently realized that vampire actually is afraid of death. That's way they threw away their soul to evil and became immortal. They can't die.

I, for some reasons, am not afraid of death. But, somehow, I'd like to be a vampire, If I could.

It's not because I wanna be immortal. No. I just wanna live longer than what can I imagine.

Vampires can heal their own wound. They never get sick or ill or hurt.

They drink blood of anyone, whether their preys have some serious disease in their blood or not, they just don't get any effect on their body or life or blood.

They also are not afraid of being infected by some illness.

Is that kind of life convenient?

You can heal your own wound.
You don't feel painful or hurt.
You can't get sick or ill.
You can't die.

If I had a chance, I wanna heal my own disease, I wanna heal my own wound, I don't wanna feel in pain, I don't wanna feel hurt. I don't wanna get sick or ill. I wanna be healthy. I wanna live longer.

I may not need to be a vampire.

I just wanna have my healthy life. And I wanna live longer.

That's all.

Fix You

Aku berdiri memaku di depan kamarnya.

Tok. Tok. Tok.

“Jangan masuk!!”, teriaknya.

Aku mendengar isak tangisnya. Aku hanya ingin tahu ada apa. Aku ingin memeluknya. Aku ingin menghapus airmatanya. Aku ingin selalu menemaninya apapun yang terjadi.

Aku membuka pintu kamarnya. Aku melihatnya menangis sesenggukan di dalam selimut.

“Kamu kenapa? Ada masalah?”

“Udah dibilang jangan masuk ya jangan masuk!!”, teriaknya dari dalam selimut.

Aku memegang selimutnya.

“Jangan pegang-pegang!!”

“Sayang, kamu kenapa?”

Tangisnya semakin kencang. Aku tidak tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan. Aku hanya bisa menangis.

Sejenak kemudian dia membuka selimutnya lalu memelukku.

“Maafkan aku, ma. Maaf.” Dia terus menangis dalam pelukku. 

“Ada apa?”

Dia terus menangis dan menangis lalu dengan suara sangat lirih dia berbisik padaku “Aku hamil ma…”

Airmataku menetes. Badanku bergetar kencang. Aku memeluknya kencang. Kami menangis. Sangat lama. 

Aku tidak tahu harus berkata apa. Aku tidak tahu harus berbuat apa. Aku hanya ingin melindunginya.

Jika hal itu membuatnya tenang, jika hal itu membuatnya berhenti menangis, aku akan terus melindunginya. Meskipun mulai saat ini bebanku mungkin akan bertambah berat. Tapi, aku akan terus menemaninya. Apapun akan aku lakukan. Aku akan terus bersamanya. Sampai kapanpun. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Tunggulah Aku

Aku membuka album foto tua itu.

Dia tertawa. Cantik sekali. Dia tersenyum. Manis sekali.

Dia memakai gaun putih panjang. Sebuket bunga merah di tangannya. Hari yang paling bahagia untuknya. Seandainya dapat terulang lagi.

Till death do us part.

Sebuah catatan kecil tertera di ujung bawah foto tersebut. Aku menghela nafasku.

“Di mana kamu sekarang?”, gumamku. “Apa kamu masih ingat janji kita dulu?”

Airmataku mengalir.

“Kakek?”, panggil cucuku. “Ah, kakek lagi-lagi menangis. Kakek kangen sama nenek ya?”

Aku menutup album foto tersebut dan menghapus airmataku.

“Kakek hanya ingin segera bertemu nenek lagi.”

“Kakek ngomong apa sih! Ayo masuk kek! Di luar dingin.”

Aku menatap langit hitam. Jika kamu di atas sana, jika kamu masih ingat janji kita, tunggulah aku, aku akan segera ke tempat kamu berada. Di manapun itu, aku pasti menepati janji kita. 

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Bitter-Sweet Macchiato

It was raining outside.

As usual, I sat alone in this café. A familiar waitress came to me.

“A cup of hot macchiato”, she said as she put it on my table. 

“Thank you.”

I looked outside the window.

“Will he come?” My mind wandered around him. 

I met him a week ago. It was a rainy day. I came alone to this café. He was standing next to me. We ordered same coffee. Macchiato.

“Macchiato, please”, we said to the waitress at the same time. 

I turned my face at him, he smiled at me.

“Hot or cold?”, asked the waitress.

“Hot, please”, we answered the waitress at the same time. 

I turned my face at him again, he smiled at me again.

“Two hot macchiato. Please wait a moment.” 

His phone rang. He walked away, busy talking on the phone. I glanced at him in silence.

“Here is your hot macchiato.” The waitress handed me hot macchiato. 

He kept talking on the phone. I passed by him, took my umbrella, and left the café.  

I still looked outside the window, hoping he would come again.

“Hot macchiato. Please wait a moment.” I heard a voice of a waitress. 

I couldn’t believe what I saw. It’s him. Standing alone over there waiting for his macchiato.

His phone rang. He picked it up. I faintly heard what he said.

“Where are you?”, he hesitated. “Ok, I’m waiting for you at café.”

“Here is your hot macchiato”, said the waitress as he hung up his phone.

He paid the macchiato, walked outside, and stood in front of the café. 

I looked at him silently through the window.

One minute.

Once in a while he sipped his macchiato.

Three minutes.

I was still not moving. He was still not moving.

Five minutes. 

Suddenly, a man with red umbrella ran toward him.

He kissed that man on lips.

Then, they strolled along the sidewalk under that sweet red umbrella.

I smiled bitterly and sipped my macchiato.

“Ah, bitter-sweet.”, I said to myself.

-ultrautogia-

Do You Believe Me?

"Why do you lie?" her tears fell down.
"What? I never lie to you? Why are you like that?" I defended myself. 
"You lie! I'm still waiting for you! You promise me! Why do you lie?!!" she wailed out loud. 
My body was so stiff.
"I don't get it. I don't know what you mean..." I mumbled. 
"You! You said you'll only give your love to me! You said you'll only give your heart to me! But what? What did you do? You still go out with that damn bitch!" She punched my chest. 
I clenched my fist. 
"Fine!!" I yelled "If that's what you want, If that can make you believe me, I really will give you my love, I really will give you my heart!" 
I took a knife, ripped my chest, grabbed my bloody throbbing heart, and gave it to her. 
"Do you believe me now?"

-ultrautogia-

inspired by Peud and Gob of ATM Errak (Thailand Movie)

Lonely Road Lonely Highway

lonely road
your steps unheard
in silence, in crowd

lonely highway
your path in dismay
in no sounds, in no ray

sound of breath lingers around
sound of sigh bothers around
in heat, in cold

hold on tight in your emptiness
hang on tight in your vanity
all done, all gone

With no ends
With no sense 
in lonely road, in lonely highway

-ultrautogia-

Sempat Memiliki.

Aku menghela nafas panjang. Hari ini datang juga.

Aku tidak akan bisa terus-terusan menghindari realita. Ya, aku harus terus berjalan bahkan berlari. Hidupku pun begitu. 

Aku menghampirinya. Menghampiri cinta pertamaku yang ada di depan mata.

Dia menatapku dalam diam.

“Hai, apa kabar?”, sapaku sambil tersenyum.

“Hai, apa kabar juga?” Dia membalas senyumku. “Kamu sendirian?”

Aku mengangguk.

“Oh ya, perkenalkan…”, sambungnya “Ini istri dan anak-anakku.”

Aku tersenyum kecil.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Telepon Aku

Pukul 21.00

Telepon aku. Pesan singkat itu terpampang di layar handphoneku.

Tidak. Aku tidak akan meneleponmu. 

Pukul 21.30

Telepon aku sekarang. Lagi-lagi pesan singkat itu terpampang di layar handphone.

Tidak. Aku tidak bisa meneleponmu.

Pukul 22.00

Cepat. Telepon aku !! 

Tidak. Saat seperti ini seharusnya kamu yang meneleponku.

Pukul 22.30

Handphoneku berdering. Lelaki itu mengangkatnya. 

“Halo? Siapa ini?!”, bentak seseorang di seberang.

“Ya, halo. Maaf pak, apa anda kenal dengan pemilik handphone ini? Tadi dia meninggal kecelakaan. Sekarang sudah di ruang mayat rumah sakit…”

Tut. Tut. Tut.

Telepon terputus.

-ultrautogia-

#FF2in1

Do You Remember Me? (part 4)

It’s almost two months since the last time I met her. My hectic schedules kept forcing me like crazy. And my thought about her could kill me slowly. I have to meet her. No matter what. 

I grabbed my bike. I knew it’s already late at night. But I don’t dare to go outside at bright day. I pedaled it to the hospital.

It’s nearly 12AM.

I must be a stupid person. Who will come to see someone at hospital in this midnight? Only me.

But, somehow I believed I could meet her again. She might be sitting on the bench in the lobby or sleeping soundly in her room.  

I parked my bike on the parking lot. It’s quite silent.

The corridor was so silent. I only saw few people or nurses or doctors passed by.

I walked to room 289 and peeked at the small transparent window on the door.
It’s empty. No one there. 

“Where is she?”, I mumbled. I dragged my legs to the lobby. She might be there.

The sounds of my steps echoed all the way to the lobby. I stopped in front of the vending machine and looked around the lobby.
No one there. 

I sighed and sat on the bench in the middle of the lobby.

I knew it. I was really stupid. Just because I needed to meet her, I went straight to the hospital. She probably had gone home. Who would really mind to stay at the hospital for too long? 

“Excuse me.” Someone stood in front of me.

“Ne?” Ah! It was the nurse from the last time.

“Are you visiting someone?”, she asked me. 

“Animnida… Ehm… Actually… Yes…” 

“I’m sorry, but it’s too late at night. You can’t meet patient now.”

“Gwenchana, I’m going home anyway.” I stood up.

She went away to the front desk.

I walked to the front desk. “Excuse me… But can you tell me where patient Room 289 is. Yoo Ah Reum. Where is she?”

 “Ohh… Ahreum-ssi, she went home two months ago.” 

“Ah… I see. Kamsahamnida.” I turned my body.

“Wait a moment…”, called the nurse.

I looked at the nurse.

“Excuse me, but… are you Yang… Yangyo-ssi?”, she said as she read something on a paper.

“Yes, why?”

“Actually, Ahreum-ssi gave me this before she went home.” She handed me a small note.

I opened that paper. Numbers.

***

I opened my eyes.It’s already morning.

I took a deep breath. I’m still alive. 

I opened the window, felt the morning breeze for a while, and sat in front of the mirror.

I’m all alone again. All day and night. That’s my life will be till the day I die.

I smiled at my own reflection.

I somehow miss his smile. I’m afraid I’ll no longer see his smile.

It’s almost two months since the last time I saw him. He never visited me anymore. He might forget me.

Who am I actually? I am just nobody. A stranger. A random girl.

My phone rang. I stayed still in my seat. I heard my housemaid picked the phone. 

Five seconds… Fifteen seconds… Thirty seconds…

It must be mom. She likes to call me every hour just to check whether I am faint and need to be dragged to the hospital or not.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Excuse me, Ahreum-ssi. A call for you.”

I opened the door. “Thank you.” My housemaid handed me the portable home-phone.

“Ne, umma? I’m awake and I’m still alive. Waeyo?” I said recklessly as I picked up the phone.

“Yoboseyo? Is this Ah Reum-ssi?” A stranger’s voice.

“Ah… yes... Who is this?” My heart skipped a beat.

“Do you remember me? It’s me. Yangyo… Yangyo oppa…”

My heart raced so fast. I can barely breathe. 

-to be continued- 

Last Forever

“Will you love me forever?” her voice triggered.

I hesitated.

“Will you love me forever?” she repeated.

I sighed.

“Will you love me forever?” she kept asking me.

I opened my mouth slowly. “But… But nothing lasts forever…”

“Our love will !” she insisted. “Our love will last forever !”

“But, we don’t last forever…”, I said sadly.

“We will !” She grabbed and bit my neck. I closed my eyes. I felt so painful.

I opened my eyes. Something changed in me.

“We will last forever.” She smiled at me, showing her beautiful pale face and bloody fangs.

-ultrautogia-

to someone who asked whether we would last forever or not

Teman Bermain

Sore itu dia mengajakku bermain lagi. 

“Ayo! Ayo sini!” panggilnya. “Ayo cepat!”

Aku berlari mengejarnya. “Tunggu!”

Dia berlari menyeberangi jalanan yang sangat ramai.

“Dinda! Awas!!”, teriakanku terhalangi oleh suara tabrakan yang keras. Aku melihat Dinda tergeletak bersimbah darah di tengah jalan.

Aku terbangun dari tidurku. Nafasku tersengal-sengal.

“Ayo! Ayo sini!” Dinda melambaikan tangannya kepadaku. “Ayo kita bermain!” Tubuhnya yang penuh darah melayang-layang di hadapanku.

Dinda, teman bermainku, sudah meninggal 10 tahun yang lalu. 

-ultrautogia-

Tak Akan Terganti

Aku memeluknya lagi malam ini. Aku menciumnya lagi malam ini. Entah sudah malam yang keberapa.

Mungkin saja ini malam terakhir aku bisa bersamanya. Tidak! Aku tidak ingin berpisah dengannya! Aku ingin selalu bersamanya. Tidak akan aku biarkan siapapun memisahkan aku dengannya!

Brak! Pintu kamarku didobrak sekelompok orang.

“Tangkap dia!” Orang-orang itu menyeretku keluar kamar.

“Tidak! Jangan! Jangan pisahkan aku dengan ibuku!”, teriakku.

“Cepat! Bawa dia ke kantor polisi!”, teriak seseorang diantara kerumunan “Dialah orang yang sudah mencuri mayat di kampung kita!”

-ultrautogia-

Narcist

“I love you.” He kissed my lips. I stayed still.

I pushed him away. “Why?” I asked. “Why do you love me?”

“I don’t know. I just love you. I know it’s wrong. But, I can’t help this feeling. It’s killing me.” He looked deeply into my eyes.

I looked away. I love him since I was a child. But, I never told him about it... and he suddenly told me that he loved me. What should I do? 

“I... Actually... I... I... Love... you... since we were kids...” I looked down. I couldn’t stare his face. 

He held and turned my face on his. He smiled. So much handsome. Just like me.  

He kissed me again softly.

I love you too, my twin.

-ultrautogia-

inspired by: My Sister My Love (Japanese Movie) 

Tanpa Nama

“Aku hamil.”, ujarnya pelan.

Airmatanya mengalir deras. “Maafkan aku... Aku nggak bermaksud merusak hubunganmu dengan Andro. Aku memang jahat, aku nggak pantes jadi sahabatmu... Maafkan aku... Maaf...”

Plak!! Aku menampar pipinya. Rena diam sambil memegangi pipinya yang kemerahan.

Lagi-lagi aku dikhianati. Kali ini kekasihku menghamili sahabatku.

“Apa Andro mau bertanggung jawab?”, tanyaku sambil menahan airmataku yang hampir menetes.

Rena menggeleng pelan. “Dia ingin menggugurkan anak ini...” Rena menangis. “Kalau kamu juga memintaku untuk menggugurkan anak ini... Aku akan menggugurkannya...” 

Plak!! Aku menamparnya lagi. “Bodoh!!” Airmataku menetes. “Jangan pernah gugurkan anak itu! Kamu harus melahirkannya! Lupakan Andro!! Mulai sekarang kita mulai hidup baru tanpa si brengsek itu!” 

Rena mengangkat wajahnya. “Kamu... serius?” 

Aku mengangguk. “Aku akan menolongmu...” 

Sore itu, untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya, aku dan Rena menangis karena disakiti oleh laki-laki yang sama. 

Rena memelukku. “Maafkan aku... Maaf karena mengecewakan dan mengkhianatimu.” 

Aku lelah dengan cinta dan kepalsuannya. Cinta memang hal yang tak mungkin bagiku.

“Terima kasih, Rendy. Kamu memang sahabatku yang paling baik.”, kata Rena lirih dalam pelukanku.

-ultrautogia-

 

Sepotong Kisah dalam Sepotong Foto

Ayla menatap kosong layar handphone-nya. Sebuah foto blur terpampang di layarnya, foto yang tampaknya diambil diam-diam dari samping. Seorang laki-laki dan perempuan berpelukan dengan mesra.

Ayla melajukan mobilnya. Pernikahannya tinggal minggu depan. Undangan sudah disebar, gedung sudah dipesan, gaun pernikahan sudah jadi, semua hal sudah siap. Ayla merasa lelah. Pandangannya kosong. Pikirannya campur aduk. Dia hanya ingin penjelasan. Dia tidak ingin ada salah paham.

Brakkk!! Terdengar suara tabrakan yang sangat kencang. Mobilnya menabrak sebuah pohon di tikungan. Orang-orang berkerumun di sekeliling mobilnya. Ayla memundurkan mobilnya lalu melajukan lagi mobilnya ke rumah calon suaminya. Kerumunan orang mulai bepergian. 

Satu jam, dua jam, tiga jam… Ayla menunggu di depan rumah Bima tapi Bima tidak juga pulang. Mungkin besok saja, pikir Ayla. Meninggalkan rumah Bima.

Ayla memarkir mobilnya di depan rumah. Penuh sesak orang. Ada apa?, tanya Ayla dalam hati.

Di ruang tamu, sebuah peti dikelilingi banyak orang. Ayla mendekat. Sesosok wajah terlihat seperti sedang tertidur pulas di dalam peti tersebut.

Di sudut ruangan, Ayla melihat Bima dan Lana, sahabatnya, berpelukan persis seperti di foto yang dia lihat di handphone-nya. Mereka berdua menangis sambil mendekap foto Ayla.

-ultrautogia-

 

You are miracle

don't destroy yourself. 

love your own self. 

that's the most precious thing in the world. 

you are perfectly created. 

you are special. 

be grateful of yourself. 

you are the miracle of the world. 

even if you are not healthy. you've been sick since you were born. or even if you are slightly healthy. you are easily to get sick. or even if you are very healthy that you are rarely to get sick. just love yourself. treat yourself well. don't ever destroy yourself. don't ever hurt your own self. 

even if you're poor or rich, even if you're ugly or beautiful, even if you're short or tall, even if you're fat or slim, even if you're black or white.... whatever you are, whoever you are, wherever you are, whenever you are.... don't ever destroy yourself, don't ever destroy your own life. Love your self just they way you are... Love your life just the way it is.... Be thankful for yourself, you whole life.... 

because, when you do... when you hurt or destroy yourself......you'll be disappointed with yourself. That's the worst thing in the world. Just don't ! Don't be ! 

Treasure your self. Treasure your life. 

Love your self. Love your life. 

Don't ever harm and damage your self and your life. 

Because... 

You are precious. You are special. You are miracle. 

-ultrautogia-

niceFLATnose: The Gank

niceFLATnose: The Gank

Look ! I'm one of the members of The Gank ! 

repost from: niceFLATnose

credit to: http://niceflatnose.blogspot.com/

hanya bisa menulis

alergiku kambuh lagi. baru sembuh beberapa minggu kakiku udah mulai kena alergi lagi. gatal-gatal di sana-sini bahkan sampe agak membengkak. aku udah bilang ibu kalau alergiku kambuh dan aku minta obat herbal yang direkomendasiin temenku (yang ternyata juga punya komplikasi penyakit tapi sekarang udah mulai sembuh karena mengkonsumsi obat itu) tapi ibu bilang nunggu tubuhku begini begitu dulu biar nanti ini itu (aku bahkan gak mau denger penjelasan ibu karena aku udah ga tahan sama penyakitku). Ini baru satu penyakit yang diketahui ibu. Padahal, aku tahu, masih ada 2 gejala penyakit lagi yang aku alami. Tapi aku belum bilang sama ibu. Aku udah males denger respon ibu yang seperti itu terhadap penyakit alergiku. Bagaimana kalo ibu denger dan tau gejala penyakit lain yg sedang aku alami? Apa harus nunggu sampe parah banget dulu sampe ibu mau bergerak bener-bener menolongku? Aku sebenernya ga mau membandingkan keadaanku dengan adikku... Tapi, tiap kali adikku sakit pilek dikit aja ibuku heboh banget sampe dibawa ke dokter diperiksain... Aku tahu adikku emang menderita sinusitis... Tapi, apakah penyakit alergi akut yang sangat menyiksa ini boleh diabaikan gitu aja? 

Kenapa ibu menganggap penyakit yang aku idap ini hanya sekedar penyakit yang bisa sembuh dalam waktu 1-2 hari? Padahal setiap hari aku menangis karena menahan sakit dan gatal yang gak bisa dideskripsikan. 

Kadang-kadang aku takut aku akan mati cepat karena penyakit-penyakitku karena keluargaku sepertinya cuek-cuek saja dengan penyakitku. 

Aku menulis ini bukan karena aku meminta belas kasihan. Tapi, karena aku sudah capek sama penyakitku, bahkan aku merasa capek juga ngomong ke ibu soal sakit yang aku rasain. Aku gak tau harus cerita ke siapa. Aku hanya bisa menulis di sini. Aku hanya bisa menulis. 

Tengkar

"Apa kamu benar-benar membenciku?", tanya seorang kakak pada adiknya.
"Iya ! aku sangat membencimu ! Pergi kamu !"
Lalu tubuh sang kakak berubah menjadi helai-helai kelopak bunga warna-warni dan terbang menghilang bersama angin.
Adik menangis. Sedih.

-ultrautogia-