The White Swan and The Broken Wings (part 2)

I held my breath. Why was he here?

“Sit down, please.” Hye Ji-ssi pointed at the empty couch beside him.

I just walked pass him and sat beside Hye Ji-ssi.

Hye Ji just smiled slightly. I guessed she understood me very well.

“So, Yang Yoseob ssi, this is my student, Bae Su Ji, who punched you few days ago, I guess you already knew her.”

The unnecessary greeting for introducing me sounded so uncomfortable for me.

He nodded. “Ne, I knew her… very well…”

My heart raced faster.

“Su Ji-ah... please show your good attitude... Please do apologize to him...”

Mwo?! Apologize to him? I gazed at Hye Ji-ssi.

“Ah, no. It’s okay. Su.. Ji.. ssi doesn’t need to apologize to me...”

I glared at him.

“I actually came here because I am so disturbed with the rumor... I thought if I came here to meet Su Ji-ssi... we could clarify the rumor out there... but, as Hye Ji-ssi had said to me the rumor will eventually vanish... So, I thought I will have to endure it a little bit longer...”

I clenched my fist.

“I think, I have to go now...” He stood up. “Excuse me...”

Hye Ji-ssi also stood up. “So you’re really okay with that, Yoseob-ssi?”

He nodded. “Excuse me, Hye Ji-ssi... Su Ji-ssi...” He walked outside the office followed by Hye Ji-ssi.

I still sat in silence here. I almost lost my breath. I sweated a lot. I think, I need to take some medicine.

Few seconds later Hye Ji-ssi came back to her office.

“Su Ji, are you okay? You looked so pale?” She placed her hand on my forehead. “You sweat a lot.”

She ran and came back with a glass of water. “Here, drink this.”

I gulped the water immediately. And still it’s hard to breathe.

“Sleep here for a while.” Hye Ji ssi pulled my legs and took it on the couch. I lied my head and tried to breathe calmly, I need to calm myself.

***

“Okay! Class dismissed. Audition will be held next two days. Keep practicing and take a good rest, girls.” Hye Ji-ssi shouted to all the whole class in this dance room.

Class began so quiet. Some of them went home. Only few girls here, still practicing their moves and flexibility.

“Su Ji, you don’t go home? It’s late. You should take a rest. Don’t force yourself.” Hye Ji ssi stood beside me.

“It’s okay. I’ll stay here a little longer.”

“I’m sorry about today...”

“It’s okay Hye Ji-ssi...” I cut her words. “I’m okay.”

“Geurae... I trust you...” She walked out the room as she shouted to the other girls in the dance room “Girls, hurry go home, don’t stay up late!”

I’m okay. I’m sure. I’m really okay. I won’t let anyone bother my life anymore. Not even him!

Slightly, his figures came to my mind. He never change. I recognized him as I saw him a year ago at the entrance ceremony. He stood few meters in front of me. My heart skipped a beat. It was him. I just hid myself behind others’ students. Fortunately, he didn’t see me. Soon, I realized that he took music class. Majorly in vocal and instruments. I can’t say I’m a stalker, but I sometimes check on him. I sometimes see him practicing singing or playing piano or guitar. He never look at me. He never realize my existence. And I hope he will never do.

However, few months ago, I saw him practicing dancing with some of his friends in annex building next to Ballet Class building. I saw him through the window in this room.

I stopped my moves. I looked around the room. Nobody was here. They already went home and I didn’t even realize it. I walked slowly to the window in the corner of the room. I opened the curtain hanging on the window and quietly see the annex building through this window. That annex building was dark. No one there. I thought, he stopped coming there since a month ago. I was afraid. I was very afraid he stopped coming because he knew me watching him almost every night from here. For almost a year, I hid my existence from him. But, he finally found me. He finally knew. I closed the curtain and walked away. I checked my phone. Five missed calss. Three texts. All from Eomma.

 Where are you?

Where are you? Answered eomma’s call

Where are you? Ppali, go home.

Eomma, she never changed. She is always overprotective to me.

I’m going home now.

I sent short text to eomma.

I put all my stuffs inside my backpack and left Ballet Class building quietly. I was about going out of the building when I saw someone walked alone to the annex building.

Is it him?, I thought.

I sneaked out into the annex building. It was him. I followed him slowly and quietly.

“Who’s there?” He turned his body to me. Fortunately, the area between Ballet Class building and annex building was rather dark, so he didn’t recognize me. I stopped my step. He came front to me. A single step. I walked backward. A single step.

“Who’s there? Who are you?!!” He shouted.

I ran away left him. I dashed as fast as I could. Left Ballet Class building to the main gate of this school. I had to go out from this school as fast as I could.

“YAA!! DON’T RUN!!” He chased me.

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” I screamed along the way to the main gate. It was there. I dashed faster.

Braaaaaaakkk! I tripped. I hit someone.

“Are you okay?” A security tried to help me to stand. But, I refused it. Ah, I hit this security ahjussi.

“Ah ne, ahjussi. Gwenchana...”

“What happened?” He asked me. He might heard my scream and thought something bad happened to me.

“Aniya...”

“YAAAA!! DON’T RUN !! WAIT!!” Oh no! He still chased me.

“Ahjussi, kamsahamnida!”

I ran again left that ahjussi alone and confused.

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAA” I screamed and dashed even faster. I didn’t care what happened behind me. I just ran and ran. I must stay away from him.

***

I woke up in the morning with the feeling of extremely exhausted. It seemed like I have run for hundreds miles.

“Su Ji. Su Ji. Wake up!” eomma shouted and hit my door.

“Ne. Eomma...”

I looked at my legs. There were bruises on both my legs. It was because I tripped last night. 

“Eomma will scold me...” I mumbled.

I lied my body on bed again.

I’ll just skip today’s class, I thought.

“Su Ji-ah...” Eomma knocked my door and went into my room. “Why are you still lying on bed? Are you sick?”

“I don’t want to go to school today...”

Mom placed her hand on my forehead. “Why? You’re not sick.” Mom realized that my body temperature was normal.

“Eomma, just let me rest today. Tomorrow, I will have an audition...”

Eomma looked at me calmly, as if she really understood her daughter flicker heart and mind.

She sighed and left my room. “I’ll call a doctor, then”

“What doctor? I don’t want more doctor!!! I’m sick of it!!” I yelled.

Eomma smashed the door.

I still lied in bed. The blanket covered my body. It’s been an hour. I just stared blankly at the ceiling.

“Excuse me... Su Ji-ah...” Someone knocked the door.

I stayed silent. I knew it was that doctor.

“May I come in?”

I stayed silent. I didn’t want to answer her.

She opened the door and entered my room.

I still didn’t move.

She walked to the bed and placed her black-typically-doctor’s bag on the floor. She is a tall woman with slim and slender body. Eventhough, she has wrinkles, she is still beautiful. And her face reminds me a lot to my Ballet Teacher, Kim Hye Ji-ssi. This doctor is her twin sibling, her name is Kim Hye Ri.

“Su Ji ah... What happenede with you? Why don’t you want to go to school?”

I turned away my face to avoid eye-contact with her. I was always afraid of this woman. Eventhough, she is twin sibling of Hye Ji-ssi, she brought different aura and atmosphere. Hye Ji-ssi is calm. Hye Ri-ssi is scary.

I closed my body with my blanket and pretended to sleep.

She’s been there for thirty minutes. I still stayed silent.

“You don’t want to talk to me?” She sighed. “Well, okay, then, I’ll leave.”

I heard she wrote something. “I’ll leave you some medicines and some notes for you to read.”

She put it on the desk beside my bed and left my room.

I got up and took the note.

Take this medicine twice a day. After breakfast and before sleeping. This will calm your nerves.

I crumbled and tossed the note to the floor. I just unreasonably wailed and wailed.

***

I missed some steps and moves. It was because my bruises. Today’s audition went very bad for me. In the end I just simply failed. I put my ballet shoes in the locker. Somehow, I didn’t regret my failure.

“Su Ji, can I talk to you?” I saw Hye Ji-ssi was standing on the edge of the loker room.

“Ye...” I nodded and follow her direction to her office.

“What bothers you actually? You seemed so blank and out of focus today. If you try harder today, you can pass this audition. You can be main character for this annual ballet play...”

“Enough...” I mumbled. “I’m enough, I’m so enough with this...”

“What do you say?”

My tears fell down. “I’m so sorry Hye Ji-ssi, I’m so enough with this... I’m tired of being the best... I’m tired of being the main character... I’m not as good as you think...”

Hye Ji-ssi hugged me. “Cry.” She said “Cry as many as you want...”

I miss being hugged. I wanna be hugged. I cried even louder.

The White Swan and The Broken Wings (part 1)

“Evil!”

“Rotten!”

“Just go! die!”

I opened my eyes. My body was full of sweat and I barely could breathe. That dream again. It kept coming these days. I don’t know why… Is it because of that day?

I got up from my bed, took a bottle of water, and gulped it fast. I tried to clear my mind.

Did I imagine it? Did I see the right one?

***

Cherry blossoms bloomed beautifully this morning. The weather also felt so nice. But, I woke up late and did everything in a rush. How terrible was my life for beautiful day like this. I pedaled my bike to the parking lot. The first class would be starting in three minutes. I hurried and ran along the corridor. I arrived just in time. Class was so full and I couldn’t find any empty seat in the back. I finally found a seat on the second row, in the corner. Today’s subject is History of Korea or very boring subject, I might say. Thirty minutes later, I saw around the class… Everybody was busy playing their own gadgets or chit chatting or sleeping or listening to music from their headsets or anything else I couldn’t mention one by one. While, I just continuously yawned and tried so hard to keep opening my eyes. Before, I caught that face… A familiar face… I’ve seen that face before… 

Suddenly, my body was awake and my eyes opened widely. It’s not because the History subject was going interesting but that face pulled me to keep thinking of something slipped in my mind.

She was sitting in the front row. Six or seven seats away from me. I only saw her face slightly. Her hair kept moving and almost covering her side face as she took a note. Ah, she kept taking note on everything that the lecturer explained.

Weird girl. Doesn’t she feel bored?, I thought.

Well, but that’s not my point. I just felt, I’ve ever seen her face, somewhere. I couldn’t remember.

The bell rang. Class dismissed in a flash. All the students left their chairs. So did she.

Ah! I remember. I remember that face. But… Really? It’s really her? it can’t be !

I put my books and pen into my bag and was about to chase her to make sure that I was not wrong.

“Yoseob-ah! You’re late today…” Kikwang patted my shoulder, suddenly kikwang stood beside me.

“Oh, Kikwang-ah. Sorry. I have to go. I still have things to do.”

I left kikwang and ran outside class.

“Ya! Yoseob-ah? Oediga?”, Kikwang yelled at me and followed me behind.

She wasn’t there. She wasn’t everywhere. She disappeared.

“Ya! Yoseob-ah? Waeyo?”

I looked around. Many students passed this corridor. But, where did she go? How can she walk that fast?

“Yoseob-ah? Are you looking for someone?”

I looked at Kikwang. “Ah, kikwang! Aniya… I’m not looking for someone. Hmm… Let’s go to the next class!”

I might only imagine it. It might be someone else.

***

It was a week ago. My dreams kept coming since that day, haunted me every night. Sometimes, the story of the dream skipped from one to another, it’s like a puzzle that I have to finish. But, I still can’t do it.

Another History class today. I wonder if I meet her again or not. I came so early today so that I could pick a seat wherever I want.

“Yoseob-ah!”, Kikwang greeted me as I entered the class. “Come! Come here!” Kikwang pointed at the seat beside him. But it was too far away in the back. While, I had to make sure someone who seemed to always sit in the front, remembering how diligent she was a week ago.

“Oh! Kikwang ah!” I dashed to him and grabbed his arm. “Let’s sit in the front.”

“Mwo???” Kikwang stared at me confusedly and tried to let his arm go of me. “Shireoyo! It’s history class, I don’t want to ruin today’s nice weather by being stuck in History class!”

“Jebal... Just this time...” I pulled his arm and took him in the seat beside me. In the corner of second row.

“Ah... Waeyo?” He said as he put headset in his ears. “If something happens with me today, you have to take the responsibility.” He leaned his arms on the desk, his head was on his arms and he slept.

I looked around. She didn’t come yet. The class was almost full. Maybe I was mistaken.

Suddenly, the class buzzed. I saw some boys whispered in happiness, or I thought so, some of them tried to call any names, some of them couldn’t stop staring at something. I looked at the entrance class, there were some girls standing gracefully near the door class. Who are they? 

“Kikwang ah!” I patted Kikwang’s shoulder.

“Oh?” Kikwang’s eyes looked almost red.

“Who are they?”

“Ah? Nugu?” Kikwang rubbed his eyes.

“They. Who are they?” I asked Kikwang again.

“Ah... They....” Seemed like Kikwang was already awake. “They are from Ballet Class. They’re so beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Ballet Class? They’re also taking this History Class?”

Those girls moved and sat on the seats in the first row, right exactly in front of me. As they moved, the people, mostly the boys stared at and chatted about them.

My heart skipped a beat. She was there. She is one of the Ballet Class students.

So it is really her. She is really here. She is real. She is not my imagination.

The History class started few seconds later. I just couldn’t stop staring at her. It was because I still couldn’t believe my eyes, I couldn’t believe with what I just saw. While, she just diligently took note. Not even a bit looked around or chatted. She just focused on listening to the lecturer.

The History class finished sooner than usual. It is just me, or it is really finished sooner than usual. I don’t even know. I just stared at her along that class.

Kikwang streched his body.

“Kikwang, I should go first!” I dashed out of the class, chased her.

“Eh?”

I ran to her. Ah, she’s there !

“Yoseobieeee....! Wait...” I heard kikwang ran behind me.

She turned her body. I stopped my steps right in front of her.

“Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” She screamed and punched my face. The next moment I remembered was all dark. I fainted.

***

“Oppa,oppa, come here!”

“What?”

“I made this for you...”

“What is this?”

“This is flower crown... So, you are the prince... and I’m the princess...”

“Oppa, oppa...”

“What?”

“This is from me... I made this with mom... This is special for you...”

“What is this? A pudding?”

“Eung...”

“Hmm... Delicious! You really made this?”

“Eung!”

“Oppa, oppa, this is for you...”

“What is this? A letter? Hey, where are you going? Why are you running?”

“Yoseob-ah... Yoseob-ah... Gwenchana?”

I slowly opened my eyes. My head was like spinnin around. My cheek was so in pain and I felt something inside my nose.
“Yoseob-ah... Are you okay?” 

I tried to recognize a face in front of me. It was still blurry but I knew his voice. Lee Kikwang, my best buddy.

I touch my left cheek. “Aoww!!”

“Don’t touch it. You’re hurt.” Suddenly someone came to me and put alchohol on my cheek.

“Aoww” I kept on moaning.

I gradually realized that a doctor was taking care of me and Kikwang was sitting on the chair beside my bed and my nose was bleeding before I woke up. 

“Just rest a little bit and you can go home.” That doctor left me and Kikwang.

“Ne, kamsahamnida.” Kikwang answered that doctor

“Where am I?” asking Kikwang while still lying on the bed.

“Infirmary.”

“So, we’re still in campus? I thought I’m in hospital.”

“Ya ! Neo! Neo michyeseo? Do you know what just happened with you?”

Actually, I didin’t really recall what just happened with me. I thought I saw many things. I saw a punch on my face, a little girl, flower crown, pudding, and letter. Then suddenly, I opened my eyes and found myself here.

“What happened?” I asked confusedly.

“You don’t really remember?” Kikwang looked at my face.

Knock! Knock!

“Excuse me...”

I woke and sat on my bed once I heard that voice.

A tall, slim, and slender woman came into infirmary room. Yet, she was old, because I saw some wrinkles around her eyes, she still looked beauiful.

“Are you Yang Yoseob?”

“Ne... Dangsineun nuguseyo?” I asked her back.

She immediately bowed his body to me. “I’m really sorry... One of my students punch you... I, on behalf of Ballet Class, really beg your apologize...”

I was so shocked. So shocked until my eyes would pop out. I slowly remembered what just happened with me. I was punched by a girl. I fainted, I guess. And those random things came when I was unconcious.

I kept silent. I still needed time to make myself fully sober.

“Ottae?” Kikwang poked my arm and whispered.

“A... Animnida... Gwenchanasseyo...” I didn’t know how to react to that ‘sudden attack’.

She straight her body and stared at me.

“Thank you for your kindness.” She smiled warmly.

“ If you still need further examination for your wound, you may have it, we will cover for every payment. You can also contact me here...” She handed me a business card.

Kim Hye Ji. A Ballet teacher. And some phone number. That’s what was written in the card.

“Ah... Ne... But, I think I’m okay.”

She smiled again. Warmly.

“Once again, we’re really sorry, and we hope you recover soon. I have to go now, I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

“Ah... Ne... Kamsahamnida... Kim Hye Ji-ssi...”

She left infirmary room right after that.

“What was that?” asked Kikwang confusedly.

I just stared blankly at the infirmary door.

***

Few days after that incident, I still became the ‘trending topic’ around school. Some of them talked behind me, gossiped around me, and speculated about many things I didn’t even think to do. A made-up unrelieable story spread around the school like buzzing bees. The headline was “A beautiful and popular ballet class’ student give her magnificent punch to a random student”

And yes, that random student was no other than me...

And yes, they kept talking about it for almost a week. Their speculation were I tried to do something bad on her, or I was her crazy fanboy who stalked her and tried to touch her, or I said something very bad to her that made her angry, or any other speculations... I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I think I should clarify this. Well, I am just a random student in this vast Seoul School of Music and Dance, but still, I think I have the right to clear my name from bad rumor.

And, here I am. I sneaked out on Ballet Class. Ballet Class was located in the building in the most south of any other building. This is a two-storey building and not as big as other buildings, but this is a beautiful building with elegant and glamour interior design, so European. I was a little mistaken, even though it is not a really big building comparing to others, it still has many large rooms which I believe most rooms are used for practicing ballet. Some rooms are just medium size which may be used for class or lockers rooms or other. Ok, I’m enough analyzing this building. I have to find her, I thought.

There were a group of girls practicing in every room I passed. But, yet I still didn’t find her. I walked to the stairs in the corner of the building. This second floor only have few medium size room which were used for class, and office room.

I almost ended my tour in this Ballet Class building when somebody called my name.

“Yang Yoseob-ssi?”

I turned my body in shocked.

I gulped my saliva. “Kim... Hye...Ji...ssi...” I stuttered.

“What are you doing here?”

“I...”

She smiled as warmly as ever. “We can talk in my office. Come, follow me.”

Suddenly, classes over and many girls walked out from their class. They stared at me in shocked and confused. Some of them whispered about the incident few days ago. My bruise is still here on my cheek and I sometimes still feel the pain. I followed Kim Hye Ji-ssi in silence hoping that this corridor would end soon, hoping that I could reach her office immeadiately.

“Have a seat, please.”, she said as I entered her office.

I sat on the couch in front of her desk.

“Please, wait a minute.” She said as she dialled numbers on the phone.

I looked around the office. A small yet comfortable room. Not many stuffs in this room. But I saw there are many photos hanging on the wall. I believe they are her photos because almost all the photos are photos of girls doing ballet. Maybe they are her photos from her childhood to her teenage or youth life when she still did ballet.

“So, Yang Yoseob-ssi. What brings you here?” she asked me as soon as she hang the phone.

I turned my gaze at her.

“Ah... It was because... the... spreading rumor...” I stuttered even more. What happened with me?

She nodded, walked, and sat on the couch in front of me. We were just separated with a glass table which have a vase and a white flower in it.

“I knew about the rumor... Don’t worry about the rumor... It will eventually vanish even before you realize it...”

Knock. Knock. Someone knocked the door.

“Excuse me, Hye Ji-ssi... Can I come in?”

I turned my head on the voice. She stood there. In front of the door. That familiar face. The face I used to know.

***

The Inside Care

Someone said "I care about you"
And I reacted "Thank you. I love you."
But then again, I kept questioning myself "Do they really care about me?"
I don't need any empty words to express your empty feeling to me... You said you care about me, but I doubted it. I'm sorry, it's not because I don't want to be taken care... It's just I lost my confidence... It's just I'm getting exhausted with fake care... I was always neglected and I'm used to be like that... That I don't know what 'care' is... That I don't get what 'care' is... That I keep looking for 'care' itself... I always demand care from the people that I want to take care of me... However, I never really feel their care to me... It may be because I am too demanding... Am I a troublesome for demanding care from the people I want?
Later on, it doesn't matter for me whether they care about me or not... I already look for care that I want outside that area... But then again, It is not enough... All those cares from other people or others are just outside care... I want those cares inside, I want get those cares from the inside... Can I get that? Can I reach your care?

-a super mini letter for mom and dad-

--ultrautogia--

Matahari Yang Terbenam Pada Bulan April

Suara ombak, angin lembut, dan aroma laut… Aku tidak akan bisa melupakan semua itu… Tapi, yang paling tidak bisa aku lupakan adalah namamu… Saat namamu tertulis di atas pasir pantai hari itu.

***

Sunset, akhirnya sunset datang juga. Aku berjalan di sepanjang pantai. Ombak-ombak kecil menabrak-nabrak kakiku seakan menyuruhku untuk segera pulang. Handphone-ku berdering.

“Kamu dimana?” suara lembut tapi terdengar panik menyambutku saat aku mengangkatnya.

“Iya, aku pulang sekarang.” Aku menutup telepon.

Aku memandang sunset yang hanya terjadi selama sepersekian menit. Aku akan datang lagi besok. Melihat sunset lagi sendirian. Seandainya saja aku bisa melihat sunset ini bersamamu seperti dulu. Apa kamu masih ingat janji kita dulu? Apa kamu akan datang besok untuk melihat sunset bersamaku?

Aku memakai sandalku lalu meninggalkan pantai yang sudah mulai gelap.

***

Sudah hampir seminggu aku di sini. Melihat sunset sendirian setiap hari. Menunggu kamu yang mungkin sudah lupa pada janji kita. Seminggu yang lalu, aku masih sibuk mengurus ini itu di kampus. Seminggu yang lalu, aku juga masih sempat makan-makan merayakan ulang tahun bersama teman-temanku. Seminggu yang lalu, aku baru menginjak usia 22 tahun. Tapi, seminggu yang lalu pun aku tidak lupa pada janji kita sepuluh tahun yang lalu. Yah, itu seminggu yang lalu sebelum telepon di rumah berdering. Lalu, saat aku tersadar aku sudah ada di dalam pesawat yang terbang menuju ke arahmu.

Aku meletakkan tas-tas dan koper-koperku di lantai dan merebahkan tubuhku di atas sofa.

Jetlag, pikirku.

“Cherry!! Jangan taruh tas di situ! Taruh di kamarmu!” Kakak mengambil tas-tas dan koper-koperku dan menaruhnya ke dalam kamar.

Ah, jetlag, pikirku lagi.

“Cherry!! Jangan tidur di situ!! Tidur di kamar!!” Kakak menarikku ke dalam kamar dan melemparkan tubuh lemasku ke atas kasur.

“Dasar kamu ya! Dari dulu nggak berubah! Masih aja seenaknya sendiri!” Kakak masih mengomel dengan kencangnya dan aku masih jetlag dengan lancangnya.

Aku masih tidak percaya aku ada di sini lagi setelah sekian tahun. Kembali ke suatu tempat yang dulu pernah aku sebut ‘rumah’.

“Udahlah Mei, Cherry kan emang gitu orangnya…” Sayup-sayup aku mendengar mama mencoba membelaku.

“Ah! Mama selalu manjain dia…”

“Mei… Jangan galak-galak sama adikmu…” suara nenek juga terdengar membelaku.

“Nenek juga kan… Selalu manjain Cherry!”

Mataku terasa berat. Suara-suara ribut itu perlahan-lahan menghilang.

***

“Kak? Apa aku harus dateng ke pernikahanmu?”

“Apa kamu bilang? Ya harus dateng dong! Aku ini kakakmu ya! Enak aja kamu nggak dateng!”

“Tapi kakak juga nggak dateng pas ulang tahunku seminggu yang lalu!”

“Itu kan karena kakak kerja di sini! Masa kakak harus jauh-jauh naik pesawat dari satu pulau ke pulau lain cuma buat ngasih ucapan selamat ulang tahun ke kamu?! Lagian kakak udah ngirim hadiah kan buat kamu!”

Aku mendengus. “Iya, iya. Oke. Fine!”

“Udah! Ayo sekarang ikut kakak!”, kata kakak sambil menarik tanganku.

“Eh? Kemana kak?”

Aku melihat bayanganku di cermin. Sebuah gaun one-piece panjang berwarna pink terlihat pas di tubuhku.

“Nha itu udah pas, bagus kok”, kata kakak sesaat kemudian. “Ambil yang ini ya?”

Aku mengangguk dalam diam.

Aku melihat sekeliling ruangan. Ada banyak gaun di sini. Salah satu yang paling mencolok adalah gaun pernikahan yang sengaja di-display di tengah ruangan ini.

“Cher, ayo pulang!”

Aku berlari menghampiri kakak dan membawakan barang-barang belanjaannya.

Kakak menghela napas. “Hhh… Gaun pernikahan yang di tengah ruangan tadi bagus ya? Kakak sebenernya pengen beli yang itu, tapi mahal… Ya udah kakak beli yang lain.”

Aku melihat gurat kekecewaan di wajahnya. Aku tersenyum tipis.

“Kakak pasti tetep cantik kok pake gaun pernikahan apapun”, ujarku berusaha menghibur.

Kakak menoleh ke arahku. “Tumben kamu bisa ngomong sesuatu yang bener.”

Aku meringis.

***

Aku menuliskan namamu di atas pasir pantai sambil menunggu sunset.

Hai, apa kabar? Apa kamu masih ingat janji kita? Kapan kamu akan datang?

Sebuah pesan pendek aku tuliskan di bawah namamu.

Sunset sudah datang. Aku menghapus namamu dan pesan itu dengan kakiku. Sunset hari ini terlihat lebih terang daripada hari-hari sebelumnya. Hari ini sudah tepat seminggu aku di sini. Besok adalah pernikahan kakakku. Apa kamu akan datang? Apa kita bisa bertemu? Apa kita bisa menepati janji kita sepuluh tahun yang lalu?

Sunset berjalan sangat cepat. Dalam sekejap pantai ini sudah gelap. Namun, aku masih duduk di sini, di atas pasir pantai yang sama seperti sepuluh tahun yang lalu.

Setiap sore menjelang sunset kita pasti berlari-lari di sepanjang pantai ini. Pantai yang menjadi halaman belakang rumah kita. Aku masih terlalu muda untuk memahami apa itu cinta. Bahkan saat sebelum aku menyadarinya, aku sudah jatuh ke dalamnya.

Kamu yang tinggal di sebelah rumahku. Kamu yang tidak pernah mau bergaul dengan siapapun di kampung itu kecuali denganku. Kamu yang suka melihat sunset. Kamu yang sangat suka dengan pasir pantai dan selalu menuliskan namamu di atasnya. Kamu yang suka mencipratiku dengan air laut. Kamu yang dulu aku sukai.

Aku tidak pernah tahu bagaimana perasaanmu padaku. Dan tidak pernah sekalipun aku menanyakan hal itu kepadamu. Aku hanya tahu kita sangat senang saat kita bermain bersama di pantai, saat kita menuliskan nama kita di atas pasir, dan saat kita melihat sunset.

Namun, kita tidak pernah bisa selamanya bermain di pantai. Ada saatnya kita harus kembali ke rumah. Setidaknya di situlah rumahku sampai sebelum aku tahu bahwa tempat itu bukanlah rumahku lagi.

Pagi itu, di ruang tamu rumahku, aku melihat papa, mama, kakek dan nenek berkumpul dengan wajah serius. Aku dan kakakku yang baru bangun tidur melihat mereka dengan tatapan bingung. Yang aku ingat hanyalah, papa mendapat promosi kerja dan harus pindah ke kota yang lebih besar di pulau lain. Mama, kakak dan aku harus ikut, meninggalkan kakek dan nenek di rumah itu. Saat itu aku tidak mengerti kenapa kita harus meninggalkan rumah yang nyaman dan pergi ke tempat yang kita sama sekali tidak tahu seperti apa?

Sore harinya saat aku bertemu denganmu dan menceritakan semua itu kepadamu, kamu pun hanya terdiam. Aku tidak tahu apa yang kamu pikirkan saat itu atau perasaan apa yang kamu rasakan saat itu. Tapi, kamu hanya menulis namamu dan namaku di atas pasir pantai ini.

“Berapa lama kamu perginya?”

“Nggak tau.” Aku mengangkat bahuku.

“Sepuluh tahun?”

“Nggak tau.” Aku mengangkat bahuku lagi.

“10 tahun lagi… Kalau kamu belum balik ke sini… Gimanapun juga kamu harus balik ke sini!”, katamu dengan nada memaksa.

“Hah?”

“Kita bikin janji ya, sepuluh tahun lagi kita ketemu lagi di sini pas ulang tahunmu, terus kita liat sunset sama-sama.”

Kamu menuliskan sesuatu di atas pasir pantai.

Devon. Cherry. 10 tahun lagi. Ketemu bulan April. Ultah Cherry. Lihat Sunset.

 “Eh? Apaan ini? Kenapa ulang tahunku? Kenapa bukan ulang tahunmu?”

“Ulang tahunku masih lama. Ulang tahunmu kan lebih cepet”, jawab Devon sekenanya.

Aku tersenyum tipis mengingat hari itu. Bodoh, pikirku. Dasar anak-anak kecil yang bodoh. Aku terkikik sendirian. Aku berdiri dan beranjak meninggalkan pantai yang sudah gelap.

***

Aku menggenggam bunga mawar putih yang ada di tanganku dan berdiri berdampingan dengan sepupu-sepupuku di samping altar. Konsep garden party yang diinginkan kakakku terwujud dengan sangat indah. Garden dari sebuah hotel yang letaknya tidak jauh dari rumah ini disulap menjadi semacam altar pernikahan garden party yang biasa aku lihat di film-film. Kakak memang selalu sempurna dalam merencanakan segalanya. Aku tidak akan bisa menandinginya. Aku tersenyum senang melihat kakak yang berjalan anggun menuju altar sedangkan papa yang berjalan di samping kakak malah tidak bisa berhenti menangis. Pemandangan yang sangat lucu.

“...Demikianlah mereka bukan lagi dua, melainkan satu. Karena itu, apa yang telah dipersatukan Allah, tidak boleh diceraikan manusia… atas dasar janji saudara berdua tersebut, maka saya teguhkan pernikahan saudara berdua”, ucap Pak Pendeta di depan altar.

Aku menghela napas lega. Acara pemberkatan pernikahan sudah selesai. Pesta pernikahan sudah dimulai. Aku menyelinap meninggalkan pesta pernikahan. Kakiku sudah cukup pegal memakai heels setinggi ini. Aku melepas high-heels-ku dan beranjak meninggalkan hotel. Tanpa sadar aku sudah sampai di pantai. Yah memang pantai ini letaknya ada di depan hotel tersebut.

Aku meluruskan kakiku di atas pasir. Aku lega kakak sudah menikah. Dan aku lega belum ketinggalan sunset hari ini. Tapi, apa dia akan datang? Apa dia akan melihat sunset bersamaku hari ini? Apa dia masih ingat janji kita? Apa kita bisa menepati janji kita dulu?

“Ehem.” Tiba-tiba seseorang sudah berdiri di dekatku. Aku menatapnya dalam diam.

“Nonton sunset sendirian itu enggak enak”, katanya cuek sambil melipatkan kedua tangan di depan dadanya.

“Devon…? Kamu masih inget?”

Aku berdiri untuk melihatnya lebih jelas. Aku terlalu senang sampai hampir menangis.

Dia mengangguk dan tersenyum tipis. “Hm. Masih inget banget.”

Aku memalingkan mukaku. Aku tidak tahu apakah harus senang atau sedih. Perasaanku terlalu campur aduk, aku tidak tahu apa yang aku rasakan.

“Kenapa kamu nggak dateng ke sini pas ulang tahunmu?”

Aku menatap laut. “Kamu tau kan aku nggak mungkin dateng…”, gumamku pelan.

“Aku tau. Makanya aku harus memaksamu dateng ke sini…”

Aku menatapnya dengan pandangan bingung.

“Pernikahan itu… Aku yang mengusulkan untuk diadakan seminggu setelah ulang tahunmu… Itu… supaya kamu mau dateng ke sini…”

Aku tidak percaya dengan hal yang baru saja aku dengar.

“Meskipun telat… Selamat ulang tahun, Cherry.” Devon mengulurkan tangannya padaku.

Aku menatap matanya dalam diam. Mata yang sama seperti dulu. Ya, semua tentangnya masih sama seperti dulu. Dia tidak berubah. Aku menyambut tangannya dan menggenggam tangan itu erat.

“Maaf, aku nggak bisa ngasih hadiah apa-apa, aku cuma bisa ngasih sunset itu…” Dia memalingkan kepalanya pada matahari yang terbenam di tengah laut. 

Aku menangis. Inilah pertama kalinya dalam hidupku melihat sunset yang paling indah sampai membuatku menangis. Dalam hitungan menit, matahari itu sudah terbenam, sunset itu sudah ditelan oleh laut. Aku melepaskan genggaman tanganku dan menghapus airmataku.

“Makasih ya.” Aku tersenyum memandangnya yang juga tersenyum.

Aku berjalan mendekatinya.

“Besok aku pulang. Tolong jaga baik-baik kakakku ya, kakak ipar.”

Aku menepuk bahunya dan berjalan meninggalkannya.

Aku tahu jawabannya. Pertanyaanku waktu itu, memang cuma kamu yang bisa menjawabnya. Akhirnya, aku bisa melangkahkan kakiku dengan ringan.

***

Dulu, kamu adalah rumah bagiku. Dulu kamu adalah rumah yang nyaman bagiku. Dulu, kamu adalah rumah bermainku. Namun, sekarang, aku tahu, aku tidak bisa selalu bermain. Aku tidak selalu tinggal di rumah yang nyaman. Ada saatnya aku harus berhenti bermain. Dan ada saatnya aku harus meninggalkan rumah lama yang nyaman itu lalu memulai kehidupan baru di tempat yang tidak aku tahu seperti apa.

Dan sekarang, bagiku, kamu adalah matahari terindah yang telah terbenam selamanya pada bulan April.   

-ultrautogia-