I feel grateful I met you (part 3)

Knock! Knock!

He came to visit me. He walked into my room. There’s no bandage or crutches on him. He brought some bottles of juices on his hands.

“Annyeong.”, he smiled widely.

“Annyeong. Ah, you really come! And your leg, is it okay now?”

“Ehm. Look! I can even dance better than you.”, he moved his leg and danced weirdly.

I laughed. “Oh, arasseo!”

“I brought this for you, you like orange juice, right?”

“Hehe. Gomawo, please put over there.”, I pointed a table on the corner of the room.

“Are you alone?”, he asked as he put the juices on the table.

“Hm, my mom and dad have to work. The doctor and nurses are also busy taking care of other patients.”

“Ah… Are you lonely?”, he sat on the chair next to my bed.

“Well… I was lonely, little bit. But, not now, because you suddenly came here.”

“Then, you have to thank me because I came here to visit you.”

 “What if I don’t want to? Will you go?”

“Do you want me to go?”

“No, not that…”

“So what do you want?”

“I mean… Thank you… for coming to visit me…”, I looked away and said it softly.

“What did you say? I don’t get it.”

“Ah, nothing… I didn’t say anything. Hehehe.”

“Aish… So, I’ll go home.”, he stood from his chair.

“No, don’t go home. Please, stay here… I don’t have friend to talk to…”, I grabbed his hand. “So... Sorry…” I released his hand.

He sat on the chair again.

“How old are you?”, I asked.

“23. And you?”

“Ha…. 23…. I wanna be 23…..” I sighed. “I’m 18. Doctor said… maybe I’ll not surpass 20… How does it feel to be 23?”

He looked at me quietly. I looked at him confusedly.

“Why?”, I asked.

“It’s not easy… to be 23. You may experience a lot of bad things. It’s really hard. But, you can do nothing except moving forward or holding back everything that hurt you. Sometimes, you have to clarify something or apologize for something you didn’t do, or you didn’t purposely do. And you’ll also have to think about many things ahead. Worry about many things…”

“Woah… it sounds fun… I wanna do those things…”

“Eh???”, he stared at me shockingly.

“Everything that you said to me, that sounds soooooo interesting… I never have such things before… You must be grateful with your life…”

He looked at me again. There’s long awkward silence between us.

“Oppa…”, I broke our silence.

“Eh?”

“Can I call you oppa? Yangyo oppa?”

“You must be so grateful for having oppa like me.” He patted my head.

“Well, not really. Kekekeke.”

We laughed a lot that day.

                                                                                     ***

“Sleep well. Annyeong…” I closed the door and walked away to the parking lot. Short yet sweet visit. I wanted to stay any longer but Sehun-hyung kept calling me. I knew he would scold me for taking too long in hospital. 

This car moved along the street but my mind stuck on her. I took a small note and a pen from my bag and started drawing.

A girl. Short-straight-hair. Pony on her forehead. Wearing hospital pajamas. Simply smiling beautifully.

Ah-Reum. 

I wrote the name below. I deeply sighed.

I’m so grateful I met her.

-to be continued-

I finally met you (part 2)

I looked at vending machine hopelessly. Some children stood in front of it. They are busy choosing some drinking. I looked at the bench I sat with her few nights ago. There are many people in the lobby and the bench is full. No space left. 

“Yoseob-ah? Can you walk?”, asked Jintaek hyung.

“Ah, ne hyung.” I hobbled with my crutches.

“Let’s go.” Jintaek hyung walked in front of me with two big bags on his hands. 

After four days in hospital, I finally could go home. Actually, I could stay longer, but my company wanted me to get out earlier. I still didn’t meet that girl. Or maybe she’s really a ghost. I still don’t know. I still want to meet her.

“Yoseob-ah, we’ll head to practice room. Is that okay with you?”, said Jintaek hyung while putting the bags into the car.

“Ne, hyung.”, I walked into the car.

“Why? Why do you look so down?”, asked Jintaek hyung again in the car.

“Ah. Nothing.”, I looked outside the window. The car is slowly moving.

I stared at the door in front of me. A familiar song came from inside. I looked at my left leg. It’s still well-bandaged. I sighed and opened the door. 

“Hyung!” Dongwoon ran toward me. “Welcome back!”

“Yoseobie….!” A group of people came to me and gave me warm hugs.

“I thought you’ll be longer in hospital.”, Junhyung slightly smiled.

“YA!! You! You! You! All of you! How dare you not come to visit me? Only dongwoon-ah and Jintaek hyung.”, I scolded them.

“Mianhae, you know how busy we are, right?” Dujunnie-goon patted my head.

“tsk…!!”

“Now, you sit over there, don’t move too much. Right?”, ordered Doojonnie.

I walked to the corner of the practice room, watching them dancing and singing. But, I don’t know what’s happening to me… I keep on messing my mind… I can’t stop thinking of that girl ghost. Will I meet her if I go back to hospital?

I sighed again.

***

12AM. I sat alone on the bench, sipping my orange juice. It’s almost two weeks since I stayed in this hospital. I don’t really know where my home is at now. I don’t really know who my friends are now. The doctors? The nurses? The other patients? The stranger… The boy… Where is he now? Why doesn’t he come? Ah, maybe he already went home. I’m never able to make long friendship with anyone in this hospital. But, I want to meet him. He is the first stranger I’ve ever made promise with. I wish I could fulfill my promise. I wish I met him that night. I wish I didn’t break my promise. I may know his name. Maybe he’s angry with me now. Or he thought that I’m just a liar. I want to meet him. I want to meet him. I want to meet him.

I’m alone. My tears fell down. I’ll die alone. Sooner or later.

***

Here I am again, medical check-up for my leg. It took longer than I thought. I still had to wear bandage and crutches. I limply walked to the vending machine. Jintaek hyung was busy managing the administration. My eyes wandered around looking for her. But, she’s not there. Not anywhere.

I sighed.

I sat on the bench on the corner of the lobby.

Suddenly, I saw her on wheelchair in front of vending machine, pressed orange juice, took it, and went away. I grabbed my crutches and hobbled to her.

“Ya! Wait!” I shouted to her. “Wait up! Ghost! Girl Ghost!”

She stopped and turned her wheelchair.

I hobbled faster and stopped in front of her.

“Hi, ghost. I think you can’t come out at day like this…”, I smiled weirdly. 

***

He stood in front of me. I couldn’t say anything. So stupid. How can I be so dumb?

“Can we talk for a moment?”, he asked.

“Oh. Yeah… sure…”

We walked to the nearest bench, fortunately no one sat there.

“Your leg, how is it going?”, I asked.

“It’s fine. It will be healed soon. I’ll be able to walk properly soon, so don’t make fun of me anymore.”

I slightly laughed. He slightly laughed. 

Another awkward silence.

His phone rang. “Ne, hyung. I’ll be there in a moment.” He hung up.

“I think I should go.”

“Hm.” I nodded.

“Your number… hmm may I know your number?”, he asked.

“Ha? Ah… I don’t have phone… doctor said the radiation is not good for my health. So my mom never gives me a phone.”

“Ohh… then your name?”

“Yoo Ah Reum. Your name?”

“Yang Yoseob. Call me Yangyo. Your room?”

“Room? Oh… 289. Umm, call me Ahreum.”

He stood up. “Ahreum-ssi, I have to go. See you next week?” 

“Next week? Okay.” I smiled. 

“Annyeong…” He walked limply to the front door and went away.

“Annyeong, yangyo…” I pressed my wheelchair to my room.

***

“What took you so long?”, asked Jintaek hyung in the car.

“Mianhae hyung. I met friend inside. We just had short talk.”

I can’t stop smiling along the way home. What’s happening with me? Am I crazy?

***

I opened my diary. My mom only gave me this diary to write down anything happens to my life.

I finally met him. I wrote it shortly. I’m so happy.

-to be continued- 

I want to meet you (part 1)

It’s been a week since I’ve been adjusted to hospital.

Well, let me say, uncountable times, I’ve been adjusted to this hospital. 

12AM, I pressed the button on my wheelchair, it’s moving along the hospital corridor. Alone, silent, and dark. I came to vending machine on the hospital lobby. No one’s there. I put in money on the slot, pressed orange juice and orange juice can fell down.

I sat alone on the bench in the middle of lobby, sipping my orange juice when someone hobbled with crutches on his arms to the vending machine. He pressed chocolate milk then turned his body at me. He’s kinda shocked looking at me sitting alone on the bench. 

“Hello?”, he waved his hand. “Are you a human?”

What kind of question?!, I thought. “What If I’m a ghost?”

“So you’re a human?”, he asked again.

“No, I’m a ghost.”

“Ehh… No ghost will say that she is a ghost, so you’re human.”, he hobbled and sat beside me. 

There’s awkward silence in the air. Only sounds of sipping in round heard.

“What’s with that?”, I asked while my index finger pointing at his leg. “Your leg.”

“I hurt my ankle...”, he answered. His hand held the bandage on his left leg. “When I danced yesterday.” 

“Oh. You’re dancer?”

“Well, umm, not really.”

Another awkward silence. We sipped our drinks.

“What’s with you?”, he suddenly asked. “Why do you use wheelchair? Umm… sorry, but, can you walk?”

“Oh. This.” I pointed at the wheelchair beside me. “I only used this because my mom and my doctor asked me to use this. Actually I can walk properly, I can walk better than you.” I stood up and walked in front of him. “See?”

He laughed. I sat beside him.

“Are you ill?”, he asked again.

I nodded. “Of course, I’m ill. Then what am I doing here if I’m not ill?”

“Oh…. Just maybe because you’re a ghost here. You said it before, right?”

“Is that so? Hmm… then, you’re right. I’m not ill and I’m a ghost.”

He laughed again.

“Ah! I have to go! See over there! Nurse is coming. Yesterday, she nagged at me because I wandered around at night.”, I said to him and sat on my wheelchair. “Bye, see you.”

I pressed the button on my wheelchair. It’s moving away from the bench.

“Wait up!”, he stood up and held on the crutches. “Will we meet again tomorrow? I mean… I feel little bit bored in this hospital…” 

“Of course. Bye. See you tomorrow!” I moved away from him before the nurse came to me.

***

“Good morning, sleepyhead! How’s your leg?”

“Oh. Dongwoon-ah. Good morning.”, I yawned. “Where’s the other?”

“Practice. We practice a lot hyung.”

“How dare they don’t come to see me.”, I stretched my body “What do you bring?”

“Just some chocolate, milk, and apples. Eat them a lot hyung, so you can get better soon. It seems so weird without you, hyung. Dujunnie hyung, jinjja, he scolded a lot. I think he misses you.”

“What are you saying? If he misses me, he should come!”

“He can’t. He got some schedule to do. Very busy person, huh?”, Dongwoon said while eating a chocolate bar.

“Dongwoon-ah… I met a girl last night, no, not a girl, I don’t know if she’s a girl or a ghost…”

“Ah hyung, what do you say? I don’t understand. So you met a girl or a ghost? Or a girl ghost?” 

“She’s on a wheelchair, short-straight-hair, with pony and little bit weird…hmm mysterious.”

“Do you fall for her?”, he drank the milk “Ah, jinjja mashita.”

“Aish. I just want to tell you this. Why suddenly fall for her? And you keep eating and drinking, you said these all for me, right?”

“Mianhae, hyung. I’m hungry. You know, I’m still young, still growing.”, he winked cutely.

“Aish….jinjja…”

***

It’s 12AM. She said she would meet me here. But, where is she? Will she come?

It’s 1AM. She’s not coming. I knew it. She won’t come. Then why am I here waiting for her?

I walked slowly to my room. She didn’t come.

***

I made promise. This is the first time in my life. Making promise to stranger. Does he really want to meet me? But, I don’t know. I don’t know if I can meet him tonight. Today’s chain of examination is so tiring. What did they put into my body? Why do I feel so sleepy? I have to stay awake. I want to meet him. Please, let me meet him. 

-to be continued- 

Arah

Di sini… 

Lagi-lagi ditemani sepi 

Cahaya temaram tersenyum malu

Pada sebuah angin dingin yang berlalu

Di sana…

Mereka tertawa, terbahak, tergelak

Dalam nada-nada tak pasti

Menyiratkan setitik gelombang bahagia tanpa arti 

Di situ…

Aku dan diriku memaku kaku

Tanpa suara terdengar

Sesunyi hatiku yang memar

Di mana…

Semua ini akan berhenti melangkah

Aku dan mereka dalam arah tak nampak

Tak berhenti beranjak, tak berhenti bergerak

by : ultrautogia 

-dalam pengejaran mimpi di arah yang belum tampak-

Menahan dan Mengeluh dalam tulisan

Aku tidak tahu, mungkin memang benar aku ini suka mengeluh. Mengeluh kesakitan. Tapi, aku tidak pernah mengatakannya. Aku hanya menulisnya seperti ini.

Aku masih belum berani bilang sama ibu atau adikku soal penyakitku. Aku sebenernya juga ga yakin sama penyakitku. Tapi, aku memang tidak bisa menahan rasa sakit di tubuhku ini. Saat aku mulai googling... Aku sangat shock... gejalanya mirip dengan yang aku alami... Aku semakin takut kalo aku terkena penyakit itu. Aku selalu menganggap hal itu tidak benar dengan mengalihkan perhatianku dan pikiranku. Tertawa dan melupakan segalanya. Melakukan hal-hal yang aku sukai hanya demi mengalihkan segalanya.

Namun, sepertinya usahaku hanya sia-sia.... Karena rasa sakit itu masih saja terasa di badan.... Mau mengalihkan seperti apapun rasa sakit itu masih ada.... Dan hari ini pun juga....

Aku sudah mengalihkan dengan memikirkan skripsiku, berkumpul, ngobrol, tertawa-tawa dengan teman sampai lupa waktu, ngobrol dengan orang tua bahkan bercanda dengan mereka, online dan berharap semuanya ga terasa sakit.... Tapi... masih saja sakit....

Aku diam saja. Aku hanya mengetik ini di depan laptopku. Aku tidak tahu harus berkata pada siapa tentang penyakit ini.

Siapa yang harus aku beritahu? Siapa yang bisa menolongku?

just... saying...

I cried a lot these days.... I dunno why, I'm so afraid... I'm thinking about my future, my life, my family, my friends.............. my mom, my dad, my sister.... I'm afraid I'll die soon.... And these pains.... so much hurt me... I can tell no one.... I'm afraid to tell my mom, my dad, and my sister... but day by day.... I feel so much in hurt.... what should I do?
:'(

Butterfly

Butterfly in my life 

Deep down we'll dive...

Butterfly in my eyes

Flowing like burning ice 

Watching you crystal clear 

Dragging you so close and near

Butterfly in my hands 

Dancing with the sands 

Reaching you in sanctuary 

Touching you in such worry 

Butterfly in my mouth 

Flying to the south 

Where the rainbow is at 

Kissing you with no sad 

Butterfly in my heart 

Embracing you with fireflies 

Light and Light 

Up high to the skies 

Butterfly in my life 

Deep down we'll dive...

by : ultrautogia 

to : butterfly out there

Aku pasti sembuh.

aku takut.

Itu yang pertama kali muncul di pikiranku.

Aku pernah mengalami gejala serupa setahun yang lalu, tapi aku tidak pernah mempedulikan. Setelah itu gejala itu menghilang.

Setahun kemudian gejala itu muncul lagi. Aku takut. Ada apa ini?

Lalu, aku mulai mencari tahu, ada apa dengan diriku.

Memang aku tidak periksa ke dokter dsb, aku juga tidak cerita pada siapapun. Hanya aku yang tahu. Tuhan juga tahu.

Aku hanya googling... dan aku sangat takut melihat hasil yang aku temukan di google.

Aku sungguh takut.

Mungkinkah aku menderita penyakit itu?

Aku hanya bisa menangis sekarang. Aku tidak tahu harus bilang sama siapa. Aku hanya bisa berdoa dan menulis di sini karena aku tidak tahu harus bercerita pada siapa lagi.

Aku hanya ingin sembuh. Kalaupun aku harus melawan penyakit ini. Aku akan melawannya sekuat tenagaku.

Aku harus sembuh ! Aku pasti sembuh ! Aku percaya itu !