asdfghjkl !!!

hidupku oh hidupku.....
berantakan banget akhir-akhir ini, nggak ada perkembangan, nggak ada kemajuan..........
aku takut melangkah.......
aku nggak mau dibuang..........
aku nggak mau..............
aku nggak tau lagi harus gimana...............

asdfghjkl !!

aaaaaaaaa depresiiiiiiiii
beneran.......... aku capek sama hidupku............ bisa di-pause gak???
aku capek mikir dan capek menghadapi semuanya.........
aku tertekan ya tertekan.........
aku nggak maju-maju, malah semakin mundur.........
aku stuck :( :( :'( :'(
gimana ini seandainya waktu bisa diputar kembali.....kenapa waktu berjalan sangat dan terlalu cepat???


tolong aku, siapapun tolong aku !

Jangan buka fb mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak.

Sangat tidak disarankan membuka fb atau twitter atau apapun milik mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak. Bikin nggak sehat. Kalau hati kalian sungguh rapuh dan lemah, sebaiknya jangan pernah melakukan hal itu. Tapi, kalau kalian nggak percaya dan tetap ingin melakukannya, ya sudah, coba aja sendiri, dan rasakan sensasinya. Oke sudah itu saja. Bye!

sederhananya: hanya kenapa?

Ada yang bilang bahwa saat kita lahir di  dunia, kita menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya. Saat kita lahir di dunia, kita adalah keajaiban. 


Namun, aku sering bertanya... 

Kenapa aku lahir di dunia? 
Kenapa aku lahir di keluarga ini? 
Kenapa orangtuaku mereka? 
Kenapa aku anak pertama? 
Kenapa saudaraku dia? 

Pertanyaanku tak pernah terungkap. Pertanyaanku tetap tak terjawab. 

Aku juga sering berpikir... 

Jika aku adalah keajaiban, jika aku datang dengan menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya....... berarti ada sesuatu di hidupku... 

Ada banyak hal yang tidak aku mengerti terjadi dalam hidupku entah itu hal baik atau hal buruk. 

Kenapa semua ini harus terjadi padaku? Apa aku sekuat itu dalam menghadapi semuanya?


Lahir di dunia itu suatu misteri. Hidup itu misteri. 
Banyak pertanyaan dalam hidup yang tidak terjawab. 
Banyak hal dalam hidup yang tidak dimengerti. 
Tapi semua hal itu ada dan terjadi.
Semua hal itu datang dan pergi. 
Sampai akhirnya kita semua akan sampai pada kematian. 
Sama seperti kelahiran dan kehidupan....
Kematian juga adalah suatu misteri. 

Namun, sebelum kita semua mati, bukankah lebih baik kita berusaha mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan hidup kita? Mungkin tujuan hidup kita adalah mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu. 

Sampai nanti di ujung jalan, jika kita tidak juga menemukan jawaban yang tepat untuk semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan kita... paling tidak kita sudah pernah berusaha, paling tidak kita tahu apa tujuan hidup kita, paling tidak kita melakukan sesuatu yang berarti yang berguna untuk diri kita selama perjalanan hidup kita. 

-ultrautogia-

simple thought

Is this what we call Skyfall?

I took a deep breath.

A year ago, I found something strange on my body. At first, I thought it was just a common reaction towards some allergy. Not long, that strange thing has gone away.

A year after, I found the same something strange on my body. And it remains longer in my body than a year ago.

I am worried.

I googled about this strange thing..........

And tried to match the symptoms found on google with that strange thing. It matched.

Skyfall.

My sky is almost falling.

I never expect this kind of thing will happen to me.

I never think. I never want.

I am afraid to tell it to others.

I am afraid of telling this to my mom, dad, and sis. I am afraid of telling this to my friends.

I am afraid of seeing doctor just to make sure about the disease.

I am afraid of the reality that I may face.

Am I a coward?

















I don't know what to do.




I found rash around my breasts. I thought it was allergy.

But, the symptoms led me to breast cancer.




I don't know what to do.

-ultrautogia-

Simple Life, Simple Death

were we simply born to life?
will we simply die in death?

I keep questioning myself. I keep asking my life.

Am I a simply human being? Am I a simply human being who will go to die?

Why is everything so simple?
Why does everything seem so simple?

Is my life simple?
Is my death simple?

Do I have mean?
Do I have meaningful life for me and others?
Do I have meaningful death for me and others?

What do I live for?
Whom do I live for?

What do I die for?
Whom do I die for?

I may feel so much tired with my life, but I'm not afraid of life. I wanna live, yes, I wanna live.
I'm not afraid of death and I don't wanna die.

Simply because I still look for the meaning of life. Simply because I still look for the meaning of death.

I think, if I die, I can't find any meaning of life and death. But, If I live, I can find it.

But, life is not that simple. Death is also not that simple.

Life tricks on me. And Death smiles on the edge of the road.

Life and Death may play on me. They are well-coordinated frenemy.

I am just a simple human being walk on the road of Life and Death.

I am a simple one.

A simple one may not be worried about Life and Death.

But, What am I doing now? Why do I ask about Life and Death.

I will just simply walk and run on this road of Life and Death.

I simply came and will simply go.

Simple Life, Simple Death, and Simple Human Being.

What will Life and Death bring me to?

Simplicity?

What simplicity will bring me to?

Well, yeah, I am simple. My life is simple, and so will my death.

I should be simple. My life should be simple and so should be my death.

Something changing

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

The same.

I stared at his reflection in the mirror.

The same.

I took a deep breath. There’s fog in the air. Cold. I felt so cold.

It’s freeze.

He held my hand. There’s something soft on my skin. But, it’s cold. I still felt so cold.

It’s freeze.

I embraced him. He took me into his chest. I heard constant heartbeats.

But still, I felt cold.

We are still the same. We are not changing.

Somehow, deep down there, something changing between us.

“So, we have to end it all here?”, I whispered to him.

“Hm. I’m sorry. I will marry her tomorrow, you know, my family want me to marry her for the sake of…”

“I knew it”, I cut his words “I knew it all… And I can feel it too… you don’t love me anymore, right?”

He hesitated. He released me from his chest.

I stared him. Same face. Same expression. Same gestures. Same voice. Same person.

Different heart. Different heartbeats.

“I’m sorry… I can never lie to you…”

“It’s okay. Just marry her.”

He hugged me again and left me few minutes later.

He’s still the same person that I knew. I’m still the same person that he knew.

But, something changing in us. Our hearts have changed. He has no heart for me. I have no heart for him. He has no love left for me. I have no love left for him.
Somehow, he left me something that I keep in secret.
A baby inside me.
Something changing in me.  

It’s more precious than our love or him or even my life. I will keep the baby for myself.

-ultrautogia-