Hello Again !

Hello again ! 

I miss my blog so much ! 

Recently, I couldn't post anything and even access my blog... I just didn't know why... 

Until yesterday, my internet connection was so bad and yuck (well, actually, the internet connection didn't work at all !). Terrible !! 

I was so angry and annoyed. Then, my friend suggested me to call the provider and complain about it. So, I called the provider and complained about it. 

Okay, after a long process of dialing some numbers, I could connect to the technician (or whatever you call him). I told him what the problems and he asked me to wait. Well, after some moments he asked whether my internet connection had worked or not. Alas, it didn't work yet ! Then, he asked me to do some procedures on my internet connection setting in my laptop. Yeah, it was a long long long way to do. 

And.... Voila ! My internet connection came back to normal ! 

Well, that's not surprising actually... But, it made me happy because some days ago I couldn't access some sites like blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, and other sites. Everytime I wanted to access them, I must had been redirected to adfly and google and I really couldn't access the sites I wanted to visit. That's so weird. I could only access  certain sites like twitter, facebook, soundcloud, and youtube. Even then, sometimes the connection redirected me to google or adfly. So, it was like a flicker connection. At a certain time I could access it, but some time, I couldn't. 

That's why, I was so annoyed with my internet connection and too lazy to use the internet connection. My anger was at its peak when the internet connection couldn't connect at all yesterday. But, that was also a fortunate event, I mean, if the internet connection didn't go wrong like yesterday, I might not complain, I might not get my internet connection back to normal, I might not be able to access this blog. 

Oh well, yeah, what I wanna say is... 

Sometimes, bad things happen to us because it is the way to make everything else get better. 

This is only a simple thing I wanna share. 

The most annoying thing that happen in my life can be solved and make everything else beyond it get better. 

This is only about the story of internet connection, the sites, and me. 

Overall, I just want to write in this blog. 

I really miss writing here. 

~^.^~

-ultrautogia-

Almost Lost You

My heart skipped a beat. 

My breath was almost taken away. 
I almost lost you, my blog. 
Don't ever leave me... I love you my blog. 

That was a very shocking hot day, I wanted to log in to my blog, but I couldn't. I searched my blog on google, I opened my blog site, but it always showed 'ERROR'. 

OH MY GOD ! What happened?!! I almost cried a river... 

And so, I moved so fast to save my lovely blog. 

Thank God ! I still managed to save you, my blog. 

I love you. Please just stay with me. Always with me. Don't go away. 

:)

-ultrautogia- 

a greedy girl

Maybe I'm just a greedy girl...

I want everything in this world...

But even so, I never be satisfied...

But still, I want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want everything in this world...

Yet still, I never feel satisfied...

Never...

Not even once...

Maybe... I'm just a greedy girl....

-ultrautogia-

Look ! I'm laughing again !

Hello... Hello...

Long time no see... I've been so busy doing something unnecessary... Oh yes, I'm in a big trouble in terms of priority scale... sigh... long sigh... long long sigh...

Some of my friends have already departed from university or I might say they already graduated or will graduate soon... They leave me behind... Oh no, it is actually not like that... I let them leave before me... Yes, I don't do any strong efforts, I don't struggle harder than them, No, I don't and I don't know why...

But, it doesn't mean that I have no worries with something like that... I have big worries, it troubles me all the time... It pressed me down day by day...

It's like.....

I want to give up

I want to give in

But, I am not allowed to do that...

I force myself to smile or laugh, to hide my true feelings, to conceal my true feelings...

I am running away... Escaping myself from one place to others...

I'm like a fool...

Yet, I know, I will never always run away... I will never always escape...

I am too afraid in facing reality...

Such a coward...

I laugh a lot these days... I bet this is the form of my stress and pressed feelings...

I don't know... It's like I laugh at my self, I laugh at my life...

I don't know where it will end or when it will end...

This is all I want to share...

Not really necessary, huh?

HAHAHAHAHAHA ~ ! Look ! I'm laughing again !!

-ultrautogia-

The Inside Care

Someone said "I care about you"
And I reacted "Thank you. I love you."
But then again, I kept questioning myself "Do they really care about me?"
I don't need any empty words to express your empty feeling to me... You said you care about me, but I doubted it. I'm sorry, it's not because I don't want to be taken care... It's just I lost my confidence... It's just I'm getting exhausted with fake care... I was always neglected and I'm used to be like that... That I don't know what 'care' is... That I don't get what 'care' is... That I keep looking for 'care' itself... I always demand care from the people that I want to take care of me... However, I never really feel their care to me... It may be because I am too demanding... Am I a troublesome for demanding care from the people I want?
Later on, it doesn't matter for me whether they care about me or not... I already look for care that I want outside that area... But then again, It is not enough... All those cares from other people or others are just outside care... I want those cares inside, I want get those cares from the inside... Can I get that? Can I reach your care?

-a super mini letter for mom and dad-

--ultrautogia--

Catatan Pendek Untuk Sahabat

Sahabat...
ada yang ingin aku bicarakan padamu... Tapi aku tidak sanggup mengungkapkannya...

Sahabat...
Jika kamu membaca ini, maka inilah yang sebenarnya ingin aku bicarakan denganmu...

Sahabat...
Sadarkah kamu bahwa sekarang kita berubah? Sadarkah kamu bahwa sekarang kita tidak seperti dulu lagi? Kita tidak berbicara dan mengobrol asik seperti dulu. Kita tidak bercanda dan tertawa-tawa seperti dulu. Kita tidak lagi mempunyai rahasia yang hanya dimiliki oleh kita saja.

Sahabat...
Tahukah kamu kalau kita sekarang semakin menjauh? Sadarkah kamu kalau kita sekarang berbeda? Kamu berada di jalanmu dan aku berada di jalanku... Dulu hal itu adalah hal yang menyenangkan karena perbedaan kita malah membuat kita membangun suatu jalan yang hanya kita saja yang bisa lewati... Tapi, sadarkah kamu sahabat? Jalan setapak yang kita bangun itu sekarang sudah tertutup oleh rumput-rumput, bebatuan, bahkan ilalang-ilalang karena kita tidak pernah menapakinya lagi. Jalan itu mulai hilang.

Sahabat...
Sadarkah kamu bahwa aku kehilanganmu? Aku kehilangan sosokmu dalam hidupku. Aku tidak lagi mengenalimu. Jika aku bertemu denganmu, aku hanya merasa bahwa kamu adalah orang asing. Padahal dulu kamu adalah orang yang sangat mengenalku. Padahal dulu aku adalah orang yang sangat mengenalmu.

Sahabat...
Sadarkah kamu bahwa kita makin tenggelam dalam dunia kita masing-masing sampai kita tidak ingat lagi bahwa kita punya dunia yang masih perlu untuk dihidupkan? Cahaya dalam dunia itu mulai meredup. Kesunyian mulai merasuk dalam dunia itu. Kekosongan mulai masuk dalam dunia itu.

Sahabat...
Tahukah kamu ada kekosongan yang aku rasakan di dalam hatiku? Kehilanganmu adalah penyebab utama kekosongan ini. Ada sebuah tempat dimana hanya kamu yang bisa mengisinya.... dan jika kini kamu pergi... dan jika kini aku membiarkan kamu pergi... maka tempat ini akan kosong sampai kapanpun... karena hanya kamu yang bisa mengisi tempat ini...

Sahabat...
Betapa aku sangat merindukan saat-saat dulu bersamamu. Kita tertawa dan bercanda seakan-akan beban hidup kita tak pernah ada. Kita bertingkah semau kita sendiri dan menggila bersama seakan hidup kita akan berakhir esok hari.

Sahabat...
Aku bukanlah orang yang bisa memegang orang lain atau mengekang orang lain. Aku adalah orang yang akan melepaskan orang lain jika orang lain itu memang mau melepaskan diri dariku.

Sahabat...
Aku masih ingin bersahabat denganmu. Aku masih ingin menjalani saat-saat indah bersamamu seperti dulu. Aku masih ingin mengalami hal-hal konyol bersamamu.

Sahabat...
Namun, jika hal-hal itu sudah tidak bisa lagi dilakukan... jika hal-hal itu sudah tidak mungkin lagi...

Sahabat...
Aku tidak akan melarangmu pergi... Aku tidak akan memegangmu erat-erat... karena aku tidak terbiasa melakukan hal itu... karena aku tidak bisa melakukan hal itu...

Sahabat...
Jika saat ini kamu harus pergi dan menjalani kehidupanmu tanpa aku... maka aku akan merelakannya...

Sahabat...
Maafkan aku, karena aku tidak bisa menjaga hubungan persahabatan kita... Maafkan aku, karena aku tidak bisa melindungi persahabatan kita... Maafkan aku, karena aku tidak bisa memperjuangkan persahabatan kita...

Sahabat...
Semoga kamu bahagia dengan hidupmu...

Sahabat...
Aku juga akan bahagia dengan hidupku...

Sahabat...
Terima kasih...

-ultrautogia-

Pathetic Loner

Apart of being in happiness, that is pathetic. Pathetic that I often feel when I'm alone. Worse, that pathetic feeling brings along loneliness.
I knew, I knew it already that once we grow older, we will eventually lose our friends. No wonder many people feel lonely in their life. 
I, sometimes, feel the way they feel. 
Everybody has his/her own business, and meddle one's business is definitely not good. That's what I feel and think now. I, lately, come alone to campus, head to library, read some books or references, and feel the peace inside alone. At some points I may need some peace of mind and heart to be alone only with me and myself. But, well, yeah, too much consuming such kind of treatment is kinda tiring... This peace of mind and heart in the silence or loneliness is not always makes me feel the peace. I need friends to talk to, to discuss or argue with, or to joke around with. I thought I have them when I was still a freshman in this campus... But where are them now? Oh! They're busy. Busy handling their own business, just like I do. They don't mind me and so do I. 
Well, yeah, maybe it is the time for me to grow a little bit older, I have to learn something new. My friends are not with me. I'm a pathetic loner. The problem is how long will I endure this kind of thing? Or how long will I get used to this kind of thing and at certain point this becomes a common thing so I don't need to feel fed up. So that I can grow older and grow up to see that life can be so pathetic and lonely without friends. Or how long will I endure until I stop defining myself as a pathetic loner? Because maybe I'm not a pathetic loner, maybe I'm just alone and sometimes feel pathetic and lonely. 
I born alone. I die alone. 
I may live with them. 
I may be alone.
I may be lonely. 
I may feel the emptiness. 
I may be a pathetic loner
I can only say "thank you" to life. I grew a little bit older.
I grew up. So that I can feel the way normal people may feel in their life.

-ultrautogia- 

random short note

Bahkan saat semua orang meninggalkanku, menghinaku, menusukku dari belakang, mengkhianatiku, melupakanku, mengatakan hal-hal nggak baik tentangku, kamu masih ada untukku. Ada nggak ya orang yang kaya gitu? Sampai sekarang... aku belum menemukan orang yang seperti itu... Mungkin hanya perasaanku... Mungkin hanya pikiranku... Tapi... Memang itu yang sampai saat ini aku alami... Mungkin hanya Tuhan, hanya Tuhan saja pribadi yang bisa menjadi sosok pribadi yang ada dan setia untukku kapanpun dan dimanapun...

-ultrautogia-

Happy New Year ! First Post ! Let's Travel !

Happy New Year~!

These past two days (30dec-31dec) I had my holiday in some beaches in East Java and Jogjakarta.

East Java 

First day which was 30 dec 2012, it was a lovely Sunday :) my family and I went to a 'semi-virgin' beach called Pantai Klayar or Klayar Beach. Some said that this beach was unknown back then in the year of 2002. But, lately, people start to visit this beach. Well, let's say, to reach this beach we have to struggle. The road is so narrow with ravines on the left and right sides. Too narrow for two cars. So, it will be so much difficult and dangerous when there are cars from different direction coming toward us.... :s I was fully awake and concentrated to the road because I was so afraid :|
Our car got stuck on what so called bunch-of-mountain-rocks-and-mud... That was soooooooooooooo frightening and it couldn't move at all and we got ravine beside us........... >o<
Well, yeah, that was a bit about our journey, hopefully, they will expand the road for the safety.........

Ok, now, the beach ! It was a beautiful beach ! yes, beautiful....
Not many people were there and the sound of the sea and wave and wind are so beautiful......
The wave is quite strong but I think it's fine if we just walk along the seashore (well, actually there are any signs which shows some dangerous areas)
The 'islands' (I don't know what's the name LOL) are so beautiful too. And actually there was some beautiful things beyond those 'islands' but I didn't go there because my sister didn't want to, she was too tired and I had to accompany her -_- ugh... (now I regret it because my mom said it was beautiful)
My mom said there was some holes on the rocks or maybe coral which will make "CHUUUUU" sounds when the water splash to the air... I watched her video of this phenomena and I made 'I want to go there' expression :( I wish I could turn back time and left my sister and went there :'(

but, well, Yeah...............
I still got some pictures of this beach :)

 

Well, actually, only two pictures :p

Alright, after spending some time in klayar beach, we moved to another place. It was a cave.
What cave? It is called 'Goa Gong'. A cave that can make 'Gong' sound. How come?
Well, first thing first, I will tell you what is Gong.

Gong is a traditional music instrument from Indonesia (especially Java) which make 'gong' sound when we hit it.
just like in this picture :)

 

Well, enough said about the 'Gong' thingy... 

Now, Goa Gong (Gong Cave), just like the name, Goa Gong is a cave that can make 'gong' sound like Gong makes. How can it be? apparently it is because of the stones inside the cave. Goa Gong is a stalactite and stalagmite cave. So, shortly, Goa Gong is a limestone cave. 

And here I got some pictures of it 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last picture is the highlight! It is the only stone that can make 'gong' sound when we hit it. 

Side notes: When we are inside the cave, we are not allowed to say unnecessary things and we have to respect the area (kinda sacred, I think) and it is very hot inside. But, don't worry, there are many blowers provided inside the cave. :) 

Jogjakarta

Second day was 31 dec 2012, after getting not really enough rest, we went to other beaches. Indrayanti Beach and Krakal Beach. 

Indrayanti Beach was soooooooooooo freaking crowded -____- 

Well, I kinda couldn't feel the atmosphere of the beach because I barely heard the sounds of the sea, only screaming of many people there. And I barely enjoyed the view, people were everywhere............... 

But, fortunately, there was that 'island' standing so still so high over there and we all allowed to climb it. Yay! My sister and I decided to climb that 'island' and got the best view of all angles (LOL :D) 

From that top of 'island', we could see the whole seashore from one beach to another and the seashore and the sea. B-E-A-UTIFUL ! 

And here I got some pictures of it 

 

 

 

Well, yeah, that's all that I could get from the top of the 'island'. It was so beautiful and breathtaking. 

After visiting Indrayanti beach, we moved to another beach called Krakal beach, but I didn't take any sneak peek of the beach because we were so tired and we kinda enjoyed the view, so we just sat on the sands safe and sound. kekekeke :p 

These two days were freaking both exciting and tiring. It's exciting because it felt like it's been years since I visit beach or sea. The sounds of the wave and sea, the scent of sea, the salty air, the super wind of the sea, and the unique sands...... I love them. Yet, it's tiring so I sometimes thought that when we traveled from one place to another place we might find annoying things (it can be anything) or we might think that home is the best place. 

Overall, that was the last trip in 2012. Let's make more and more trips and journeys in 2013 and the years after. Let's travel around the world ! 

Happy New Year ! ^^

-ultrautogia- 

asdfghjkl !!!

hidupku oh hidupku.....
berantakan banget akhir-akhir ini, nggak ada perkembangan, nggak ada kemajuan..........
aku takut melangkah.......
aku nggak mau dibuang..........
aku nggak mau..............
aku nggak tau lagi harus gimana...............

asdfghjkl !!

aaaaaaaaa depresiiiiiiiii
beneran.......... aku capek sama hidupku............ bisa di-pause gak???
aku capek mikir dan capek menghadapi semuanya.........
aku tertekan ya tertekan.........
aku nggak maju-maju, malah semakin mundur.........
aku stuck :( :( :'( :'(
gimana ini seandainya waktu bisa diputar kembali.....kenapa waktu berjalan sangat dan terlalu cepat???


tolong aku, siapapun tolong aku !

Jangan buka fb mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak.

Sangat tidak disarankan membuka fb atau twitter atau apapun milik mantan yang sudah menikah dan punya anak. Bikin nggak sehat. Kalau hati kalian sungguh rapuh dan lemah, sebaiknya jangan pernah melakukan hal itu. Tapi, kalau kalian nggak percaya dan tetap ingin melakukannya, ya sudah, coba aja sendiri, dan rasakan sensasinya. Oke sudah itu saja. Bye!

sederhananya: hanya kenapa?

Ada yang bilang bahwa saat kita lahir di  dunia, kita menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya. Saat kita lahir di dunia, kita adalah keajaiban. 


Namun, aku sering bertanya... 

Kenapa aku lahir di dunia? 
Kenapa aku lahir di keluarga ini? 
Kenapa orangtuaku mereka? 
Kenapa aku anak pertama? 
Kenapa saudaraku dia? 

Pertanyaanku tak pernah terungkap. Pertanyaanku tetap tak terjawab. 

Aku juga sering berpikir... 

Jika aku adalah keajaiban, jika aku datang dengan menembus jutaan galaksi dengan kecepatan ratusan juta tahun cahaya....... berarti ada sesuatu di hidupku... 

Ada banyak hal yang tidak aku mengerti terjadi dalam hidupku entah itu hal baik atau hal buruk. 

Kenapa semua ini harus terjadi padaku? Apa aku sekuat itu dalam menghadapi semuanya?


Lahir di dunia itu suatu misteri. Hidup itu misteri. 
Banyak pertanyaan dalam hidup yang tidak terjawab. 
Banyak hal dalam hidup yang tidak dimengerti. 
Tapi semua hal itu ada dan terjadi.
Semua hal itu datang dan pergi. 
Sampai akhirnya kita semua akan sampai pada kematian. 
Sama seperti kelahiran dan kehidupan....
Kematian juga adalah suatu misteri. 

Namun, sebelum kita semua mati, bukankah lebih baik kita berusaha mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan hidup kita? Mungkin tujuan hidup kita adalah mencari jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu. 

Sampai nanti di ujung jalan, jika kita tidak juga menemukan jawaban yang tepat untuk semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan kita... paling tidak kita sudah pernah berusaha, paling tidak kita tahu apa tujuan hidup kita, paling tidak kita melakukan sesuatu yang berarti yang berguna untuk diri kita selama perjalanan hidup kita. 

-ultrautogia-

simple thought

Is this what we call Skyfall?

I took a deep breath.

A year ago, I found something strange on my body. At first, I thought it was just a common reaction towards some allergy. Not long, that strange thing has gone away.

A year after, I found the same something strange on my body. And it remains longer in my body than a year ago.

I am worried.

I googled about this strange thing..........

And tried to match the symptoms found on google with that strange thing. It matched.

Skyfall.

My sky is almost falling.

I never expect this kind of thing will happen to me.

I never think. I never want.

I am afraid to tell it to others.

I am afraid of telling this to my mom, dad, and sis. I am afraid of telling this to my friends.

I am afraid of seeing doctor just to make sure about the disease.

I am afraid of the reality that I may face.

Am I a coward?

















I don't know what to do.




I found rash around my breasts. I thought it was allergy.

But, the symptoms led me to breast cancer.




I don't know what to do.

-ultrautogia-

Simple Life, Simple Death

were we simply born to life?
will we simply die in death?

I keep questioning myself. I keep asking my life.

Am I a simply human being? Am I a simply human being who will go to die?

Why is everything so simple?
Why does everything seem so simple?

Is my life simple?
Is my death simple?

Do I have mean?
Do I have meaningful life for me and others?
Do I have meaningful death for me and others?

What do I live for?
Whom do I live for?

What do I die for?
Whom do I die for?

I may feel so much tired with my life, but I'm not afraid of life. I wanna live, yes, I wanna live.
I'm not afraid of death and I don't wanna die.

Simply because I still look for the meaning of life. Simply because I still look for the meaning of death.

I think, if I die, I can't find any meaning of life and death. But, If I live, I can find it.

But, life is not that simple. Death is also not that simple.

Life tricks on me. And Death smiles on the edge of the road.

Life and Death may play on me. They are well-coordinated frenemy.

I am just a simple human being walk on the road of Life and Death.

I am a simple one.

A simple one may not be worried about Life and Death.

But, What am I doing now? Why do I ask about Life and Death.

I will just simply walk and run on this road of Life and Death.

I simply came and will simply go.

Simple Life, Simple Death, and Simple Human Being.

What will Life and Death bring me to?

Simplicity?

What simplicity will bring me to?

Well, yeah, I am simple. My life is simple, and so will my death.

I should be simple. My life should be simple and so should be my death.

catatan pendek tentang lagu cinta

Apa yang tersisa dari kenangan? Tanyaku pada otak. Apa yang tersisa dari memori? Tanyaku pada otak. Apa yang tersisa dari ingatan? Tanyaku pada otak.
Perasaan. Jawab hati lirih. 
Aku tertegun. 
Kenangan akan dirimu seperti potongan-potongan gambar yang semu. Warnanya pudar dan kabur. Aku tidak tahu apakah aku sanggup menjaga agar kepingan kenangan itu tetap di otakku. Aku hanya tahu bahwa perasaan yang membekas di hati ini tidak akan pernah hilang. 
Saat kau datang pertama kali dalam hidupku, aku mendengar sebuah lagu. Kau menyebutnya lagu pertemuan. Bagiku, lagu itu adalah lagu cinta. 
Saat kau pergi dari hidupku, aku juga mendengar sebuah lagu. Kau menyebutnya lagu perpisahan. Bagiku, lagu itu tetaplah lagu cinta. 
Aku mungkin terlalu naif. Tapi, jika cinta adalah suatu pertemuan dan perpisahan, aku akan tulus menerimanya. Aku hanya percaya, terlalu percaya, bahwa suatu hari nanti kita akan bertemu lagi dan mungkin berpisah lagi. Namun, kita akan tetap saling mencintai. Sampai kapanpun. 

-ultrautogia-

for beauty and beast 

~dalam malam insomnia~

hanya bisa menulis

alergiku kambuh lagi. baru sembuh beberapa minggu kakiku udah mulai kena alergi lagi. gatal-gatal di sana-sini bahkan sampe agak membengkak. aku udah bilang ibu kalau alergiku kambuh dan aku minta obat herbal yang direkomendasiin temenku (yang ternyata juga punya komplikasi penyakit tapi sekarang udah mulai sembuh karena mengkonsumsi obat itu) tapi ibu bilang nunggu tubuhku begini begitu dulu biar nanti ini itu (aku bahkan gak mau denger penjelasan ibu karena aku udah ga tahan sama penyakitku). Ini baru satu penyakit yang diketahui ibu. Padahal, aku tahu, masih ada 2 gejala penyakit lagi yang aku alami. Tapi aku belum bilang sama ibu. Aku udah males denger respon ibu yang seperti itu terhadap penyakit alergiku. Bagaimana kalo ibu denger dan tau gejala penyakit lain yg sedang aku alami? Apa harus nunggu sampe parah banget dulu sampe ibu mau bergerak bener-bener menolongku? Aku sebenernya ga mau membandingkan keadaanku dengan adikku... Tapi, tiap kali adikku sakit pilek dikit aja ibuku heboh banget sampe dibawa ke dokter diperiksain... Aku tahu adikku emang menderita sinusitis... Tapi, apakah penyakit alergi akut yang sangat menyiksa ini boleh diabaikan gitu aja? 

Kenapa ibu menganggap penyakit yang aku idap ini hanya sekedar penyakit yang bisa sembuh dalam waktu 1-2 hari? Padahal setiap hari aku menangis karena menahan sakit dan gatal yang gak bisa dideskripsikan. 

Kadang-kadang aku takut aku akan mati cepat karena penyakit-penyakitku karena keluargaku sepertinya cuek-cuek saja dengan penyakitku. 

Aku menulis ini bukan karena aku meminta belas kasihan. Tapi, karena aku sudah capek sama penyakitku, bahkan aku merasa capek juga ngomong ke ibu soal sakit yang aku rasain. Aku gak tau harus cerita ke siapa. Aku hanya bisa menulis di sini. Aku hanya bisa menulis. 

Special Gift

I believe that everyone is given a special person as a gift in his or her life.

I felt so alone. I felt so lonely. No reasons. No answers. Even when I was in a crowd or in noisy places, I often felt it. But, that day was a turning point for me. Just like other days, it was a hot and tiring day when I first met him.

Later, I realized that he was a gift for me. He was a senior in high school. He was an ordinary boy. There was nothing special about him. However, he looked so shiny and sparkling in my heart. Whenever and wherever I felt so lonely he was always there for me. His words embraced me tightly. His jokes kept my spirit on fire. His smiles pulled me up. He taught me about being alone and loneliness.

“No matter how hard it is, no matter how alone you are or how lonely you are, you have to enjoy your life. Don’t take it too seriously. Find a lot of things that remind you about happiness and togetherness. Remember, you have friends and families around you.” He added “Keep smiling. Keep laughing.”

His words kept running in my mind. I never forget about it. Since he was with me, I never felt alone and lonely anymore. I was in love with him. It felt like a warm Sunday morning that woke me up with smiley face. It felt like colorful flowers bloomed and spread lovely fragrant around me. So nice. So beautiful. So sweet.

But, that gloomy cloudy cold night, I got some serious problems with him. We fight. We got angry. We messed our relationship up. He left me. I couldn’t believe he went away without thinking about my feelings for him. I felt so dejected, downhearted, and forlorn.

“Is it fake? Your love and care are fake? Is it fake?!!” I wailed.

Then, loneliness filled my heart again. I couldn’t shout for help from him anymore.

“He went away… you have to struggle by yourself now…,” I said to myself.

However, his words about being alone and lonely reminded me.

“I must be with my friends and family, I have them,” I thought.

I had to stand so tall without him. I believed I could through it all.

A Few months later, I could overcome my loneliness. I realized that my family and friends were always there with me to help me through all of it. I thanked him because he reminded me about it. Although he had left me, I never hated him. I wish he never forgot about me because I will never forget about him. He was my special gift. And this I believe.

Kadang... aku ingin kembali ke waktu waktu yang lalu...
kembali ke 2 tahun lalu, atau 3 tahun lalu, atau 4 tahun lalu, atau 5 tahun lalu

Bukan karena aku tidak suka tahun tahun yang sekarang
Bukan karena aku menyesali tahun tahun lalu

Tapi, karena tahun tahun lalu terasa sangat cepat berlalu...
Aku takut jika aku akan melupakan setiapa kenangan yang terjadi ditahun tahun lalu...

Banyak hal berubah
manusia berubah
waktu berubah
segalanya berubah...

semua yang dulunya ada dan kini hilang menjadi sangat berharga
Lalu, apa yang aku miliki hari ini... mungkin akan jadi sangat berharga suatu hari nanti...

Aku tidak pernah tahu
Tapi aku hanya ingin mengerti
ingin memahami...

Jika saatnya nanti semua yang ada sekarang perlahan lahan menghilang...
aku tidak akan lagi sedih...

karena waktu waktu yang berlalu tidak akan bisa kembali

un...

Can you see me? No, you can’t!

Can you look at me? No, you can’t!

Can you hear and listen to me? No, you can’t!

Can you talk to me? No, you can’t!

Can you smile at me? No, you can’t!

Can you laugh with me? No, you can’t!

Can you feel me? No, you can’t!

Can you understand me? No, you can’t!

Can you care about me? No, you can’t!

Can you recognize me? No, you can’t!

Can you see and look at my broken heart?

Torn into pieces…

But, it’s unseen!

Can you feel, hear, and listen to my broken wings?

Fallen to the deepest darkness…

But, it’s unheard!

Can you touch my hand and hold it?

So cold and frozen

But, it’s unfelt!

Can you turn your head, smile at me, and talk to me?

Talking, smiling, and caring about you…

But, it’s unworthy!

Can you recognize my mind and keep it in your heart?

Understand you and laugh with you…

But, it’s unwanted!

Alone and lonesome right here…

you leave me unseen, unheard, unfelt, unworthy, unwanted… 

un...